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Lotto Jokes anyone?

Topic closed. 30 replies. Last post 6 years ago by TeAl*888.

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savagegoose's avatar - ProfilePho
adelaide sa
Australia
Member #37136
April 11, 2006
3315 Posts
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Posted: October 19, 2010, 12:12 am - IP Logged

aww all my good ones are already in here.

 

but one i made up  is

 

they all tell me that you are more likely to be killed driving to the lotto agent, than winning the jackpot.

I know is the smart reply thats why i send the wife/husband.

2014 = -1016; 2015= -1409; 2016  = -1171; 2017 = ?  TOT =  -3596

keno historic = -2291 ; 2015= -603; 2016= -424; 2017 = ? TOT = - 3318


    United States
    Member #75358
    June 1, 2009
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    Posted: October 19, 2010, 12:19 am - IP Logged

    My roommate got angry because I asked him to buy tickets for me while he was at the store. I told him that his days as a roommate were numbered. He was at odds with me.

    I bet he'll get over it the next day.


      United States
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      Posted: October 19, 2010, 12:32 am - IP Logged

      aww all my good ones are already in here.

       

      but one i made up  is

       

      they all tell me that you are more likely to be killed driving to the lotto agent, than winning the jackpot.

      I know is the smart reply thats why i send the wife/husband.

      they all tell me that you are more likely to be killed driving to the lotto agent, than winning the jackpot.

      The lottery agent has a lot of balls for not stopping the killing spree.

        TeAl*888's avatar - octa feathers.jpg
        Ontario
        Canada
        Member #97475
        September 17, 2010
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        Posted: October 20, 2010, 9:58 pm - IP Logged

        Thanks everyone for all the jokes! LOL

        Since there seems to be a serious shortage of Lotto Jokes, why don't we just post any favorite Jokes..

        Here are some Chuck Norris ones:

        Chuck Norris can win a game of poker with a green four from uno, a kuriboh, a lotto scratch-off ticket, a monopoly get out of jail free card and your electric bill.

        Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

        There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

        Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as ajoke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

        They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was aproblem: It wouldn't take sh-- from anybody.

        Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

        When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

        It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

        Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.

        We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

         

        cn

          Luminus's avatar - ouskuu

          United States
          Member #51269
          April 3, 2007
          529 Posts
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          Posted: October 22, 2010, 3:24 am - IP Logged

          Everyone has a system for playing the lottery.  You spend money, watch the drawing, check your tickets, find out you're a loser, then buy more tickets next week.Wink

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            Sacramento, CA
            United States
            Member #96354
            August 28, 2010
            159 Posts
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            Posted: October 23, 2010, 6:57 pm - IP Logged

            TeAl*888, good Chuck Norris Jokes!

             

            A man lives his entire life as an atheist. He never attends a church service, never observes religious holidays, and never mentions God. After he retires, he goes on an African safari. While out in the bush, he realizes he is separated from his group. As he's poking around the jungle growth, he is suddenly confronted by a savage tribe of headhunters. They menace him with their spears, and chant as they dance around him. Finally, the man gets religious. He gazes up into the sky, and intones reverently: "Lord, I know I've ignored you all my life, but please tell me this one thing; Lord, I'm screwed, aren't I?" Then the sky darkens, the clouds part, and a voice booms down from Heaven: "No, you're not! Take the spear from the chief's hand, and ram it through his heart!" The man smiles with glee. He knows if he does what the Lord says, he'll be redeemed! He smugly strolls up to the chief, grabs his spear and plunges it into the chief's chest. The chief falls over dead. His tribe looks down at their fallen leader, then toward the man with glaring vengeance. Smiling, the man took a step back, spread his arms, and asked "Well, Lord?" God replied "NOW you're screwed!"

              marcie's avatar - Lottery-011.jpg
              Ohio
              United States
              Member #49980
              February 21, 2007
              34509 Posts
              Online
              Posted: October 23, 2010, 8:28 pm - IP Logged

              Buy the ticket and you win!!!! Party

              http://www.lotterypost.com/thread/233413    Sun Smiley Popular numbers

              12345

              67890

              Use Mirror #'s Use prs. with your  Key* numbers the most Vivid thing in your dream go up or down on #'s.  Flip  6=9 `9=6  Bullseyes  0 or 1 for Pick 4 and the P. 5  Play the other part of doubles.  Do the Whole nine yards for a P. 4* P. 5*  or 0 thur 9  for P. 4  P. 5 from my dreams or hunches good Luck.. Write your Dreams down Play for 3 days.  Good Luck All.


                United States
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                Posted: October 23, 2010, 10:33 pm - IP Logged

                Chuck Norris didn't even buy a ticket and STILL won the Jackpot.

                He chose a lump sum and chopped the lump off personally.

                He personally drove to the Lottery headquarters to get his chuck and norr-is he going to tell anyone about it.

                 

                  rdgrnr's avatar - walt
                  Way back up in them dadgum hills, son!
                  United States
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                  Posted: October 25, 2010, 10:14 pm - IP Logged

                  A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

                  The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

                  The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

                  The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

                  Again, the man explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

                  The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

                  Why are Canadian women like hockey players?

                  They change their pads every 3 periods.


                                                               
                                       
                                                           

                   

                   

                   

                   

                                                                                                                     

                  "The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing"

                                                                                                              --Edmund Burke

                   

                   

                    Coin Toss's avatar - shape barbed.jpg
                    Zeta Reticuli Star System
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                    Posted: October 26, 2010, 10:06 am - IP Logged

                    (Vegas joke):

                    Q. What's the difference between a canoe and a Canuck?

                    A. A canoe tips.

                    ___________________________

                    Q. Why don't sharks eat clowns?

                    A. They taste funny

                    Those who run the lotteries love it when players look for consistency in something that's designed not to have any.

                    Lep

                    There is one and only one 'proven' system, and that is to book the action. No matter the game, let the players pick their own losers.

                      Coin Toss's avatar - shape barbed.jpg
                      Zeta Reticuli Star System
                      United States
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                      January 17, 2006
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                      Posted: October 26, 2010, 6:17 pm - IP Logged

                      Here's a few more:

                      An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an
                      assistant position, and wanted to find out a little
                      about her personality.
                      "If you could have a conversation with anyone,
                      alive or dead, who would it be?"

                      "I'd have to say the living one."
                      _____________________________________
                      Romantic Evening

                      After a long night of making love, the young guy
                      rolled over, and was
                      looking around when he noticed a framed picture of
                      another man on a desk
                      in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

                      "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

                      "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

                      "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all,"
                      she said, nibbling away at his ear.

                      "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

                      Calmly, she replied, "That's me before the surgery."

                      ____________________________________________
                      Amazing Shooting!

                      One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through
                      a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most
                      amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there
                      were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole
                      in dead center.

                      The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he
                      could meet the person responsible for this wonderful
                      marksmanship.

                      The man turned out to be the village idiot.

                      "This is the best marksmanship I have ever
                      seen,"said the FBI man.
                      "How in the world do you do it?"

                      "Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot
                      first and draw the circles afterward."

                      Those who run the lotteries love it when players look for consistency in something that's designed not to have any.

                      Lep

                      There is one and only one 'proven' system, and that is to book the action. No matter the game, let the players pick their own losers.


                        United States
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                        Posted: October 26, 2010, 7:34 pm - IP Logged

                        The Paramedic

                        One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

                         

                        A Dime of Luck

                        Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on  the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime." "You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

                         

                         

                        Dog's Hand

                        A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiosity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!" The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

                         

                        A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?"
                        The butcher says "Yes", so the man said: "I bet you 50 bucks that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there."
                        The butcher says "I'm not betting on that."
                        " But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts.
                        " Yes I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."

                         

                         was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.
                        Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.

                        Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Matt started grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day.

                        - I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee

                        - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head

                        - I took a five minute shower

                        - I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet

                        - I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up

                        - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row

                        - I entered through the fifth admissions gate

                        - I bought five programs

                        - I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race

                        - I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.

                        I settled in and waited for the race to start.

                        "Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?"

                        I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth."

                         

                         

                        Some states do offer "OTB", off-track betting. These little bookie shops are scattered around a large city where you can bet on the horse races and do not have to drive all the way to the track. One day, a religious group scattered around town to spread "the good word", to the people in the downtown area. One person out of this group walked into the horse shop filled with 70 horse bettors and opened the door and yelled "Pray For Forgiveness", and walked out the door and down the street. Ole’ a compulsive gambler who had a bad day with the early races, went down the street and ran up to the man and said, "What Race?"

                          Coin Toss's avatar - shape barbed.jpg
                          Zeta Reticuli Star System
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                          Posted: October 26, 2010, 7:35 pm - IP Logged

                          Why does that last one remind of some lottery system sellers?

                          _____________________________________________

                          An Ideal Marriage

                          Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
                          _______________________________________________
                          Finally after 25 years on a deserted island Joe was being rescued. As he climbed onto the boat, the curious crew noticed three small grass huts.
                          "What are those?", they asked.
                          "The first one is my home", Joe said. "The second is my church."
                          "What about the third hut?", the rescuers wanted to know.
                          "Oh", says Joe, "that's the church I used to go to."
                          __________________________________________________
                          Knock knock

                          Who's there?

                          Control freak. Now you say, "control freak who?"
                          __________________________________________________-
                          The Twenty and the One

                          A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

                          The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.""Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

                          "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

                          The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ..."

                          The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

                          Those who run the lotteries love it when players look for consistency in something that's designed not to have any.

                          Lep

                          There is one and only one 'proven' system, and that is to book the action. No matter the game, let the players pick their own losers.

                            Coin Toss's avatar - shape barbed.jpg
                            Zeta Reticuli Star System
                            United States
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                            January 17, 2006
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                            Posted: October 26, 2010, 7:47 pm - IP Logged
                            The Poker Game

                            A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

                            Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

                            The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

                            Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

                            Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

                            _____________________________________________

                            Two blondes were filling up at a gas station
                            when the first one said to the other, "I bet these awful gas prices are going even higher".

                            The second blonde replies,"It won't affect me. I
                            always buy exactly $10 worth"
                            ____________________________________________
                            FINALLY...THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

                            A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
                            sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
                            blonde.
                            The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
                            through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
                            "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
                            The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."
                            The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it
                            and handed it to the policewoman.
                            "Here it is," she said.
                            The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
                            saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
                            ________________________________________________
                            The drag queen walks into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the aisle swinging the incense pot. And he says to the priest, "Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your handbag is on fire?"
                            ______________________________________________
                            An ornithology student was late for an exam. When he walked into the classroom, there were five birds on perches, with bags over their heads.

                            He asked the professor what was going on and was told it was a test to identify different species of birds by their feet.

                            The student told the professor that sounded really stupid to him, and the professor asked him his name.

                            He rolled up his pant legs, took off his shoes and socks, and said, "You tell me."




                            Those who run the lotteries love it when players look for consistency in something that's designed not to have any.

                            Lep

                            There is one and only one 'proven' system, and that is to book the action. No matter the game, let the players pick their own losers.

                              Coin Toss's avatar - shape barbed.jpg
                              Zeta Reticuli Star System
                              United States
                              Member #30470
                              January 17, 2006
                              10388 Posts
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                              Posted: October 26, 2010, 7:53 pm - IP Logged
                              A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
                              It has been in their backyard barking for hours and hours.
                              The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this".
                              She goes downstairs.
                              The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
                              The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!"

                              --------------------

                              Blonde Password...

                              During a recent password audit, a company IT discovered a blonde was
                              using the following password:

                              MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

                              When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that
                              it had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.

                              _____________________________

                              Those who run the lotteries love it when players look for consistency in something that's designed not to have any.

                              Lep

                              There is one and only one 'proven' system, and that is to book the action. No matter the game, let the players pick their own losers.