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Lottery Jokes

Topic closed. 36 replies. Last post 3 years ago by DG1USA.

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United States
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December 9, 2013
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Posted: December 12, 2013, 2:49 pm - IP Logged

An old man walks into the bank and yells at the teller "Hey I want to open a <snip> checking account". The teller goes "I beg your pardon sir"? He repeats "I want to open a <snip> checking account". Well the teller replies "Sir please, we dont tolorate that kind of language in this establishment" So she leaves and goes to get the manager and tells him the situation. The manager comes back and asks the man "Sir what is the problem today"? The old man says "There is no friggin <snip> problem I just won $50 million dollars in the <snip> lottery and I want to open a <snip> checking account in your <snip> bank! So the bank manager goes "I see sir, and this <snip> woman is giving you a hard time

This post has been automatically changed by the Lottery Post computer system to remove inappropriate content and/or spam.

please subsitute the word "darn" for the snipped portions...sorry didnt mean to cuss


    United States
    Member #124493
    March 14, 2012
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    Posted: December 12, 2013, 3:04 pm - IP Logged

    I know a lotto joke.

    NOISE-GATE!

    ROFL

      hearsetrax's avatar - 0118

      United States
      Member #52345
      May 21, 2007
      2657 Posts
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      Posted: December 12, 2013, 5:00 pm - IP Logged

      A guy wins the lottery and the lotto officials ask "What are you gonna do with the money"? The guy replies "Im gonna keep a promise to my homeless brother and give him a house, I'll give him the box my 65" plasma came in

       inserted rim shot Stooges

        Coin Toss's avatar - shape barbed.jpg
        Zeta Reticuli Star System
        United States
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        January 17, 2006
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        Posted: December 12, 2013, 5:56 pm - IP Logged

        Ever played the Eskimo lottery ?

        You have to be Inuit to win it !

        Green laugh

        _____________________

        Two guys are roommates and since there's a $400,000,000 Mega Millions jackpot going on one goes out and buys 500 tickets.

        The next day he asks his roommate if he could fade him on the rent for that month and the roommate says, "Yesterday didn't you show me 500 Mega Millions tickets for this drawing coming up?" and the guy with the tickets says, "Well I had the money for THAT."

        Those who run the lotteries love it when players look for consistency in something that's designed not to have any.

        Lep

        There is one and only one 'proven' system, and that is to book the action. No matter the game, let the players pick their own losers.

          BobP's avatar - bobp avatar.png
          Dump Water Florida
          United States
          Member #380
          June 5, 2002
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          Posted: December 13, 2013, 7:02 am - IP Logged


          Big lottery winner buys a house, sports car, yacht, private jet, trophy spouse with the full package.  Within a year the house has burned down, the car wrecked, the yacht sank the jet crashed, divorced.  Q. When asked what should be done different? A. Next time I'll rent.  Wink

          BobP

            SergeM's avatar - slow icon.png
            Economy class
            Belgium
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            February 27, 2012
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            Posted: December 13, 2013, 7:09 am - IP Logged

            "... and you lost the ticket?" ROFL

              LottoBux's avatar - 2elh5if
              Ontario
              Canada
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              April 9, 2011
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              Posted: December 13, 2013, 12:22 pm - IP Logged

                                     

                LottoBux's avatar - 2elh5if
                Ontario
                Canada
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                April 9, 2011
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                Posted: December 13, 2013, 12:46 pm - IP Logged

                Divorce Letter !!

                Dear Husband:

                I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

                Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

                P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together!

                Have a great life! > Your EX-Wife

                *********************************************************** ********************************

                Dear Ex-Wife

                Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

                When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

                After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.

                But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess.

                I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

                P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

                Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

                                       

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                  Sunny California
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                  May 31, 2006
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                  Posted: December 13, 2013, 12:48 pm - IP Logged

                  What did one lottery machine sing to the other?

                  "Whole lotta takin' goin' on!"Drum

                    RedStang's avatar - tallman zps6gf4inoc.jpg
                    NY
                    United States
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                    January 21, 2012
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                    Posted: December 13, 2013, 7:31 pm - IP Logged

                    The invisible man said he will claim anonymity if he wins tonight.

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                      New York,
                      Panama
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                      April 4, 2009
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                      Posted: December 13, 2013, 7:40 pm - IP Logged

                      A man rushes into his house and announces to his wife,
                      "I won the lottery! Go pack your bags!"

                      She says,
                      "Great! Where are we going?"

                      He looks at her blankly, pauses, and then says,
                      "I don't care where you go. Just get the f**k out."

                      Sad CheersYep, I am @ the Post...

                      forget what "they" say about youWhat you say about you?...

                      Now, does it count??

                       

                       

                      *Jr$ina

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                        The land of Canals
                        United States
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                        January 7, 2013
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                        Posted: January 1, 2014, 2:54 am - IP Logged

                        Yes NodLOLYes NodLOL  Very funny...........

                        “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” 
                         Steve Martin

                        Cool

                          OldSchoolPa's avatar - Lottery-057.jpg
                          Gurnee, Illinois
                          United States
                          Member #49731
                          February 12, 2007
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                          Posted: January 2, 2014, 9:34 am - IP Logged

                          A guy wins the lottery and the lotto officials ask "What are you gonna do with the money"? The guy replies "Im gonna keep a promise to my homeless brother and give him a house, I'll give him the box my 65" plasma came in

                          That is cold...but funny! ROFL

                          Has anyone ever noticed how when Bill Clinton and other progressives, especially those in the employ of any level of government, speak about issue of income inequality, they never say anything about THEIR income or that of tenured union workers' incomes being capped! Hypocrites like that cannot be credible, yet people drink the Kool-aid all the time.

                          Get MONEY!!! Winning a JACKPOT lottery is all the HOPE and CHANGE I desire!!!  NOW give me MONEY!US Flag

                          The guy who won the presidency in 2008 really won the lottery...he is now millions richer, travels in first class style, and even has a staff that would be the envy of the richest Powerball winner (she has a staff of 2). Every night he goes to sleep, he probably plays the close of Dave Chappelle's Show: I'm rich beyatch!

                            Coin Toss's avatar - shape barbed.jpg
                            Zeta Reticuli Star System
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                            Posted: January 20, 2014, 11:20 pm - IP Logged

                            A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won Lotto?"

                             
                            She says,  "I'd take half, then leave you."
                             
                            "Excellent," he replies.  
                             
                                     "I won $12.00, here's $6.00.

                            Those who run the lotteries love it when players look for consistency in something that's designed not to have any.

                            Lep

                            There is one and only one 'proven' system, and that is to book the action. No matter the game, let the players pick their own losers.


                              United States
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                              June 2, 2012
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                              Posted: January 20, 2014, 11:24 pm - IP Logged

                              A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won Lotto?"

                               
                              She says,  "I'd take half, then leave you."
                               
                              "Excellent," he replies.  
                               
                                       "I won $12.00, here's $6.00.

                              That one I never heard or saw before. ha ha I have to tell my friends that joke at work tomorrow. Hee