emilyg's Blog

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.'

In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

My wife  found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. 

The vet  found that the problem was hair in the dog's  ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could  then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell  Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring,she should go to the store and  get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the  store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms,don't  use deodorant for a few days."

Andrea said, "I'm  not using it under my arms.
"The pharmacist said,  "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days.

"Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If  you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer.

"The  pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

04  05

13  18

24  29

35  38  39

47

55  56  57  59

68       79       99

03  05

12  14  15  19 

26  27  28  29

33  36

45  47  48  49

55  58             79

00  01  05

11  14  15  16  19

22  25  26

35  37

44  45  46  49

89

Nag, nag, nag ...

A defense attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him, "Where have you been? Who have you been with? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it!"... And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he silently poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the Jacuzzi, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself out to the back deck.

While he was in the Jacuzzi, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be executed tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go outside and give him the good news.

As she opened the sliding glass door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, naked, bent over facing away from her, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

Jack took a long look at his speedometer
Before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone.
Fourth time in as many months..
How could a guy get caught so often?

When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour,
Jack pulled over, but only partially.
Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard..
Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror.
The cop was stepping out of his car,
The big pad in hand..

Bob? Bob from Church?
Jack sunk farther into his trench coat.
This was worse than the coming ticket.
A cop catching a guy from his own church.
A guy who happened to be a little eager
To get home after a long day at the office..
A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow..

Jumping out of the car,
He approached a man he saw every Sunday,
A man he'd never seen in uniform.
'Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this.'
'Hello, Jack.' No smile.

'Guess you caught me red-handed
In a rush to see my wife and kids.'

'Yeah, I guess.' Bob seemed uncertain.
Good.

'I've seen some long days at the office lately.
I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once.'

Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement.
'Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight.
Know what I mean?'

'I know what you mean.
I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct .'
Ouch.
This was not going in the right direction.
Time to change tactics.

'What'd you clock me at?'

'Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?'

'Now wait a minute here, Bob.
I checked as soon as I saw you.
I was barely nudging 65.'
The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.

'Please, Jack, in the car'

Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard..
He was in no rush to open the window.

The minutes ticked by.
Bob scribbled away on the pad..

Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?

Whatever the reason,
It would be a month of Sundays
Before Jack ever sat near this cop again.

A tap on the door jerked his head to the left.
There was Bob, a folded paper in hand
Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches,
Just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.

'Thanks..'
Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.

Bob returned to his police car without a word.
Jack watched his retreat in the mirror.
Jack unfolded the sheet of paper.
How much was this one going to cost?
Wait a minute.
What was this? Some kind of joke?

Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:

Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a daughter..
She was six when killed by a car.
You guessed it - a speeding driver.
A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free.
Free to hug his daughters, all three of them.
I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven
Before I can ever hug her again.

A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man..
A thousand times I thought I had.
Maybe I did, but I need to do it again.
Even now.
Pray for me.
And be careful, Jack,
my son is all I have left.'

'Bob'

Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car
pull away and head down the road.
Jack watched until it disappeared.
A full 15 minutes later, he too,
pulled away and drove slowly home,
praying for forgiveness and
hugging a surprised wife and kids when he arrived...

Life is precious.
Handle with care.
This is an important message;
please pass it along to your friends.
Drive safely and carefully.
Remember, cars are not the only things
recalled by their maker.
Funny how you can send a thousand jokes
through e-mail and they spread like wildfire,
but when you start sending messages
regarding the sanctity of life,
people think twice about sharing.

Funny how when

Looks like Florida has a sheriff like Arizona has. 

Polk County Florida Sheriff - "You kill a policeman it means no arrest ...no Miranda rights ...no negotiations ...nothing but as many bullets as we can shoot into you ...PERIOD."

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF, GRADY JUDD

______________________________________

00  01  07  08

11  15

22  24  26  28  29

39

44  45

57  58

67             99

      Happy Valentine's Day   

The Darwins are out!
Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us---those found in the shallow end of the gene pool.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked

02  03  05  08

15  19

24  25  26  27

49               58

67  69

78  79

88  89

A man in the forest talks to God..#21
One day, a man was walking in the forest.

He shouted," God, God, are you there?"

"Yes, my dear child, I'm here!" the God replied.

"God, I want to know a few things from you," that man shouted.

"Fine, shoot."

"God what's a million dollars to you ?" He asked.

"Oh! It is like a penny," God repiled.

"Then what's a million years to you?" He asked.

"Oh! It is like a second to me."

"God, I want a favour from you."

"My dear, what is it?"

"Can you give me a million dollars?"

"Oh, sure, just a second !!!!

I am writing to say
what an excellent product
you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me
about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood
on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative,
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative.

Then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!
Going through menopause
is bad enough without being
a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.

Well, gotta go.
I have to write to
the Hefty bag people.

01  07  08

12  16  19

23  24  26  28

36         45  47

57  59

66          77  78

Nurses (usually) don't laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said , "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room.