emilyg's Blog

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables

when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing

more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the

corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

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Two men were having coffee, when one of them said: Last night, my son just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please give my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. Then sell my car. Take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother."

The other man said:" Wow, he really said that?"

"Well, he didn't put it quite that way. He actually said...'Dad, I've decided to work for Obama's re-election campaign.

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is
no nursing home available for you. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you
will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central
heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great.
Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as
often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It's the same
government that just told you that you they cannot
afford for you to go into a home.

Plus, and because you are a prisoner, you don't have
to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but then I couldn't breathe!"

One winter morning a husband and wife
> in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They
> heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow
> today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street,
> so the snowplows can get
> Through." So the good wife went out
> and moved her car.
>
> A week later while they are eating
> breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12
> inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of
> the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out
> and moved her car again.
>
> The next week they are again having
> breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14
> inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went
> out... The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face
> she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I
> need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
>
> With the love and understanding in his
> voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why
> don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

God said:

Everything is not as you have thought it was. You are not as you thought you were! You are, at the same moment, far more than you have ever credited yourself with and, in the same breath, well, you may not be as marvelous as you sometimes thought you thought you were. You thought you were right. Everyone thinks he is right. Everyone on Earth is sure that his way is right. Just about everyone takes pride in his opinion.

You yourself thought you were more together than many others. Other people let you down. They didn't come up to your high standards. You were unaware that you didn't come up to your standards either.

Or, other people should know what they're doing, while you may be blithely ignorant of what you are doing. Someone doesn't treat you right. How have you been treating someone else? You may have seen it one way when it was really another way. Often, in your perception, others are wrong and you are right, and you do not see.

Other people tend to be too self-centered, and you may overlook your own self-centeredness. You had expectations of others that did not get fulfilled. Do you begin to see how you play all the roles in your life? You are the person you come up against. You, the human being, are not always the hero. A victim is not a hero, beloveds. You may expect others to be the hero. Be your own hero.

It has been easy to think that if only others were different, how much happier you would be. Ah, if only others would dance to your tune. Beloveds, you do not always dance to your own tune. Truly, if only you saw differently, how happy you would be. You are the supplier of your own happiness.

You want a certain prescribed intimacy with others. You want to be close, and another doesn't come as close as you would like. Beloveds, come closer to yourself, and the Universe will unfold all its wonders for you.

This is not to say that you are to start judging yourself. It is to say to stop judging others. What you see in others is what you contain. The only person you see out there is an aspect of yourself. You can hardly believe this, and yet it is true.

You conjure up others. If you feel betrayed, you have betrayed yourself. If you feel let down, you have let yourself down. At some point, you come to realize that others are not what you thought them to be. You, too, beloved, you may well not be what you thought yourself to be.

You haven't known your True Greatness, the same as you have seen yourself right in life and others mistaken. You haven't seen that you are not always right in your daily life. You may well see things one way when things are truly another. You aggrandize yourself at the same time as you abandon responsibility. This is not about affixing blame, you understand. It is about grasping responsibility. You, the responder to your life, are responsible for it. No one else is responsible for your life.

Ignorance is no excuse. Self-righteousness is no excuse. Being denied is no excuse. Conditions are not an excuse. Wave a magic wand over yourself and arise a prince or princess.

No more pursed lips at what others do or don't do. Look unto yourself. You, the human being, are not above it all. The soul of you is above it all. As an actor in life, you are learning, and everyone and everything is teaching you.

Thank you for including this link when publishing this Heavenletter elsewhere.
Copyright � 1999-Now Heavenletters�
Heavenletters� -- Helping Human Beings Come Closer to God and Their Own Hearts
Gloria Wendroff, Godwriter
The Godwriting� International Society of Heaven
P.O. Box 2064, Fairfield, IA 52556
Visit www.heavenletters.org

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Getting old in FLORIDA

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Punta Gorda, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Cape Coral reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands,

the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also,

and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

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Live Oak

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'

He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'

'So, where were you all these years?'

'In prison,' he says.

'Why did they put you in prison?'

He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'

'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'

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Two elderly people living in Fort Myers, he was a widower and she a widow,

had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally

gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall.

Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage,

he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.'

Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'

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A man was telling his neighbor in Port Charlotte,

'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,

but it's state of the art.

It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor in Bonita Springs ,

and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids

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The Amazing Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.