emilyg's Blog

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Happy Father's Day.

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The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.

~ Elizabeth Kubler Ros

1 . The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6 On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8 The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 66-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22 The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
(from an email)

Need a Stupidcheck

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Depressed?
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel: "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said: "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. ... I called a Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English.
I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck!
Folks, we're screwed!

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The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800.00. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00. How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

These are   Memphis , TN 's REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher  : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller:  I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the  corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an  address?
Caller:  No, I have on a blouse and  slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller :   Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese  sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me? 
Caller :  I made a ham and cheese sandwich and  left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom,  someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller :   No, but this has happened to me before and I'm  sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? 
Call er:   I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my  phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller:    I  thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. 
Caller:    Honey, I may be old, but I'm not  stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1  What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller:     My wife is pregnant and her  contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller:   No, you idiot! This is her husband! 

And the winner  is.............

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller:  Yeah, I'm  having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.  Darn....I think I'm  going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where  are you calling from?
Caller:   I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. 
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the  way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller:   No
Dispatcher: What were you  doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller:    Running from the  Police.

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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

What you gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man ...  and then my dog bit me."

"So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole <snip> thing!

But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing today?"

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