emilyg's Blog

HOLY PROSTITUTES
A man is driving down a deserted

stretch of highway when he notices
a sign out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you! my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Adam is 90 years old.

He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Can't remember."

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LAUGH WITH THE LITTLE ONES

Laughter is the key!  Listen to the laughter of the Little Ones; as they laugh, the stars radiate with joy.  For their laughter is joy and hope for the new light shining on planet Earth--the planet of free choice, the planet of laughter.  Are not our children too serious?  What about the elders?  Are they not teaching the Little Ones by their examples?  Laugh with this, and understand that the Little Ones need to, as well.  Their hearts demand it.  The stars demand it.  The universe demands it.  Laughter is necessary for the planet to continue to vibrate with love, joy, and peace.  Laugh with the Little Ones!

~ The Indigo Children, by Lee Carroll and Jan Tober ~

www.kryon.com

The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,

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A little chuckle For your day!!!!
Absolutely Priceless !!!!!!!!!!

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.
Don't change horses
Kid said
until they stop running.

2.
Strike while the
Kid said
bug is close.

3.
It's always darkest before
Kid said
Daylight Saving Time.

4.
Never underestimate the power of
Kid said
termites.

5.
You can lead a horse to water but
Kid said
how?

6.
Don't bite the hand that
Kid said
looks dirty.

7.
No news is
Kid said
impossible.

8.
A miss is as good as a
Kid said
Mr.

9.
You can't teach an old dog new
Kid said
math.

10.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll
Kid said
stink in the morning.

11.
Love all, trust
Kid said
me.

12.
The pen is mightier than the
Kid said
pigs.

13.
An idle mind is
Kid said
the best way to relax.

14.
Where there's smoke there's
Kid said
pollution.

15.
Happy the bride who
Kid said
gets all the presents.

16.
A penny saved is
Kid said
not much.

17.
Two's company, three's
kid said
the Musketeers.

18.
Don't put off till tomorrow what
kid said
you put on to go to bed.

19.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and
kid said
you have to blow your nose.

20.
There are none so blind as
Kid said
Stevie Wonder.

21.
Children should be seen and not
Kid said
spanked or grounded.

22.
If at first you don't succeed
Kid said
get new batteries.

23.
You get out of something only what you
Kid said
see in the picture on the box.

24.
When the blind lead the blind
Kid said
get out of the way.

25.
A bird in the hand
Kid said
is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!

26.
Better late than
Kid said
pregnant.

Dear John,
I hope you can help me.  The other day, I set off for work,leaving my husband in the house watching TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile from down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband'shelp.  When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes.  He was in our bedroom with my neighbor's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19.  We have been married for 10 years.  When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for the past six months.  He won't go to counseling, and I'm afraid          I am a wreck and need your advice urgently.  Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.  Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.  If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.  It could also be that the fuel pump itself is faulty.
I hope this helps, John

01:31 AM USA/ET - Edit history (3)

Subject: TWO WOMEN

Two Women waiting in line at the Pearly Gates to get into heaven and
started to strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first woman asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to
death?

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get
the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But
eventually,
it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off,
as if all were peacful and quiet..

How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman.
"You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed
up at
home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone,
watching
TV. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran
up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast

as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive
heart attack and died
The second woman shakes her head.

"That's so ironic," she says.
....... "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we would both still be alive..

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted nights sleep.
NEW Wine for Seniors
I kid you not...

California vintners in the
Napa Valley area,
which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot
Grigio wines,
have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the
bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be
marketed as

PINO MORE

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A  co-worker  got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and

remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that

now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to

use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed

a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he

finished the note.

About 20 minutes later, one of

my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the

lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to

investigate.

Below is what he found. Sometimes things don't always come out the way

you want them to........

DON'T TOUCH

PEN IS

STUCK!

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Holidays are here and the 6th grade teacher doesn't know what to do with the class on the last day. It's about one hour to the final bell 

She comes up with a little game for the 6th graders. She'll state a  well know comment from a famous person and the first to name the famous person gets to go home early.
Little Johnny is all excited. He knows that he's the smartest person in the class and he'll get the first answer and go home early.

So, the teacher says, class tell me who said "Four scores and seven years ago." before she could finish, little Sarah shouts out, "Abraham Lincoln."
Very good Sarah, you can go home.. Have a nice holiday.

Little Johnny is upset. In his mind she should not have been given the point since she didn't raise her hand. But, the next one is his.
Next, the teacher asks, class tell me who s aid "I have a dream." again before she could finish and before Johnny could get a breath, little Nancy shouts out, "Martin Luther King."
Very good Nancy . You can go home. Have a nice holiday.

Johnny is really upset now. He's fuming and doesn't like these girls getting the best of him. The next one is his, no doubt about it.
The teacher turns back to the class and asks, tell me, who said "Ask not what.." Again, before she could finish, and just when Johnny was starting to yell out the name, little Emily shouts out, "John Kennedy." Very good Emily, you can go home now. Have a happy holiday.

While the teacher was saying goodbye to Emily, Johnny was ready to burst! He couldn't stand it anymore. He pounds his fists on the desk and yells out, "I WISH ALL THESE BI****S WOULD KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT!!"

Startled, the teacher turns to the class and demands, WHO SAID THAT??
Quickly, Johnny stands up and says, "Herman Cain! Can I go home now??"

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HAPPY NEW YEAR!