emilyg's Blog

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.

When  the postal authorities received
the letter addressed to God , USA 
they decided to send it to President Obama.
Obama was so amused that he
instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00
bill. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money
to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted
with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank
you very much for sending
the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it
through Washington, D.C. and those
<snip>s took $95.00 in taxes.

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish"

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92 YEAR OLD PREACHER

While watching a little TV on Sunday, I watched as a church in Atlanta
honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He
was 92 and I wondered why the church even bothered to ask the old
gentleman to preach at that age. After a warm welcome, introduction of
this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high
back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to
the  pulpit. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both
hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he
began to speak....

"When I was asked to come here today and talk
to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson
ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a
few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most
difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials..The one
thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and
fear and sorrow paralyzed me... the only thing that would comfort was
this verse........

"Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
we are weak but He is strong,
Yes, Jesus loves me....
The Bible tells me so."

The
old pastor stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose
the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during
a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could
see they knew it the best."

"Here for you now is a Senior version of Jesus Loves Me":

JESUS LOVES ME

Jesus loves me, this I know ,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go
On through life, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song..
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."
(CHORUS)

When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.
(CHORUS)

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.
(CHORUS)

If you think this is neat, please share it with your friends. If you do
not pass it on, nothing bad will happen,  but you will have missed an
opportunity to "reach out and touch" a friend or loved one.

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78

Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what.....
>
> A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became > friends.
> Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.. They discovered > that
> they
> both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the
> fourth
> and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a
> chicken
> sandwich.
>
> He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it
> anymore?'
>
> She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'
>
> 'Why?' he asked.
>
> She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little > feathers
>
> down there!'
>
> Let me see' he said.
>
> 'Okay' and she showed him..
>
> He looked and said, 'That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
> chicken.' He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought
> peanut
> butter.
>
> He said to the little girl,
> 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers > down
>
> there too!'
>
>
>
> She asked if she could look, so he showed her!
>
> She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK
> and GIZZARDS

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read:

1.  You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2.  What one person receives without working for,  another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half  is going to take care of them,  and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for,  that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Scotch with two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs   
and make love,' and you answer,   
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you   
on your new alligator shoes   
and you're barefoot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy   
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN... 
Going braless   
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,   
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'   
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car   
in the parking lot.

'OLD'IS WHEN... 
An 'all nighter' means not getting up   
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN.... 
You are not sure these are jokes?

So live your life so the fear of death can never enter your heart.

Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their views, and demand that they respect yours.

Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and of service to your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a stranger if in a lonely place. Show respect to all people, but grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies in yourself.

Touch not the poisonous firewater that makes wise ones turn to fools and robs them of their visions.

When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.

Tecumseh

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics' shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why, thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way, he said 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to protect me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes, lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

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THE  SHOEBOX.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60  years.  They had shared everything. They had talked about  everything.
They had  kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a  shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never  to open or ask her about.

For all of these  years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old  woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.  In  trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe  box and took it to his wife's bedside.  She agreed that it was time  that he should know what was in the box.

When he  opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling  $95,000.  He  asked her about the contents.

'When we were to  be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy  marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with  you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was  so moved; he had to fight back tears.  Only  two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two  times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with  happiness..
'Honey,'  he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?  Where  did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said,  'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer...... .

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
           Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
                 Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
     I'll beat him to death, because I don't have time to crochet

CURTAIN RODS --- and  the New Divorcee

On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates
    and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful
    dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background
    music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a
    bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
    a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of
    the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and
    at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought into
    set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for
    a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive
    wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they
   had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price
   in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
   return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any lon  ger for a purchaser, they had to
   borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He
   told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
   said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to
   reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he
   agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been
   worth .... but only if she would sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the
   completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they
   watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home

... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

* I  LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU ? **

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