emilyg's Blog

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.  He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

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Happy May.

1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

16. The skin was moist and dry.

17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.

21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

27. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

28. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

29. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

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Attributed to St Francis 13th century

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive.
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

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Happy Easter   

The  minister was preoccupied with thoughts of  how he was going to ask the congregation to  come up with more money than they were  expecting for repairs to the  church building. Therefore, he was annoyed  to find that the regular organist was sick and a  substitute had been brought in at the last  minute. The substitute wanted to know what  to play.
"Here's a copy of the service,"  he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to  think of something to play after I make the  announcement about the  finances."
During the service, the  minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,  we are in great difficulty; the roof  repairs cost twice as much as we expected  and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can  pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At  that moment, the substitute organist played  "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is  how the substitute became the  regular organist!

While having lunch five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.."

The second surgeon, from Chicago responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed:

"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable."

New procedure...

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The pretty doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99'."

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...

You don't stop laughing cause you grow old, you grow old cause you stop laughing.

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I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried  friends.  One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married  for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided  to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra,  stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days  to exchange notes.
Here's how it all  went.

My engaged friend:
The  other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather  bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the  woman of my dreams.  I love you' Then we made passionate love all  night long. 

The mistress:
Me  too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a  raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes.  When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble  and we had wild sex all night.

Then  I had to share my story:
When  my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings,  stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me  he said......,

(you are going to  love this..)

"What's  for dinner, Zorro?"

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on this one easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun.  I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says. This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.  'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn.  He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up
.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.  The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Thanks Bob.

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If you've ever worked for a boss, or had to spend time around anyone, who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The area was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of  Northern Michigan University in Marquette .

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

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Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

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Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

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Reverend Billy Bob spoke next . . . . . He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, an had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!

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The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a full body cast, and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, . . . . circumcision may not have been the best way to start."