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September 23, 2014, 7:12 pmmissing ones
Have the 1's in KY. pick 3 been kidnapped? ??
March 13, 2012, 8:44 pmBlonde paint job
Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
December 11, 2011, 6:15 pmeasy fudge
easy fudge-4 cups Semi-sweet Chocolate Chips, 24 oz.
Marshmallow Creme, 1 7-oz. jar
Sweetened Condensed Milk, 1 14-oz. can
Line an 8x8-inch pan or dish with waxed paper or foil, allowing it to extend over edges. Spray with nonstick spray, if desired. In a large microwave-safe bowl, heat the chocolate chips in the microwave, stirring occasionally, until melted. Immediately stir in marshmallow creme, then add sweetened condensed milk, stirring until well blended. (Mixture will thicken and become stiff.) Quickly pour and spread in prepared pan. Refrigerate until firm.
October 14, 2011, 2:15 pmoreo spiders
what you need
48 pieces (1-1/2 inches each) black shoestring licorice
6 OREO Cookies
12 black jelly beans
1 Tbsp. ready-to-spread chocolate frosting
INSERT 8 licorice pieces into cream filling around side of each cookie for "spider's legs," using frosting to secure.
September 20, 2011, 7:11 pmDrunk guy
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
September 10, 2011, 6:50 pmjoke for today
?2 drunks visit a brothel. The Madam takes a look at them and says to her manager "go put inflatable dolls in 2 bedrooms, these guys are too drunk to notice". During the walk home one guy says " i think my girl was dead, she never moved or made a sound". The second guy says " I think mine was a witch" "why do you think that?" asks the friend. "well, I bit her arse, she farted in my face and then flew out of the f...ing window
September 8, 2011, 9:19 pma little joke for today
Husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in cart. Wife barks, "What do you think you're doing?" The husband replies, "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans." The wife says, "Put them back, we can't afford them." A few aisles further the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream & puts it in the basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. The wife says, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." Her husband fires back, "So do 24 cans of beer & they're half the price!
September 7, 2011, 7:43 pmredneck joke
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
June 20, 2011, 1:52 pmLottery Joke
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto". Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Jacob goes back to the synagogue. "God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!! Back to the synagogue. "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???". Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself: "JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A <snip> TICKET"
June 18, 2011, 5:49 pmHappy Fathers Day
A Father means so many things...
A understanding heart,
A source of strength and of support
Right from the very start.
A constant readiness to help
In a kind and thoughtful way.
With encouragement and forgiveness
No matter what comes your way.
A special generosity and always affection, too
A Father means so many things
When he's a man like you.
May 3, 2011, 1:54 pmThought of the day
I think that the most beautiful creation in this world is a MOTHER! because in this selfish world,a mother is the only 1 who "always "want to see u happy.
December 22, 2010, 8:57 pmDear Santa:
Dear Santa. I don't want much for Christmas. I just want the person reading this to be happy. Friends are the fruitcake of life. Some are nutty. Some are soaked in alcohol (!!). Some are sweet. But mix them together and they're my friends.------Merry Christmas To everyone at LP!!!
December 17, 2010, 10:53 amthe poinsettia
Pity the poor poinsettia. All it ever wanted was to be a nice emblem for the holidays: To be patiently wrapped in red foil and hoisted on hostesses, to festoon festive Christmas sweaters, and to be eternally mimicked in plastic. But somewhere along the way it picked up a bad-girl reputation as a lethal beauty -- lovely to look at and terribly toxic if tasted!
But are the rumors true? Are pretty poinsettias potentially poisonous? About 70 percent of the population will answer yes, and although every year there is a bumper crop of stories explaining otherwise -- the myth persists. And myth it is. Poinsettia's are not poisonous, merely the victim of a popularly enduring urban legend.
December 12, 2010, 7:00 pmChristmas gift suggestions
Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, your heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To yourself, respect.
-- Oren Arnold
September 13, 2010, 9:30 pmBlonde Millionaire
A blonde named Barbara appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire...
Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left. The next question will give you the million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go."
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it...
"Remember, Barbara, it's worth 1 million dollars."
Barbara: "It's a cuckoo."
Regis: "You're sure? You can walk with the $500,000 or play on for the million."
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C - Cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C -Cuckoo. Well....you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS Here is
your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
That night Barbara calls her friend Carol and they go to a local bar for a celebration drink. As they are sipping their champagne. Carol turns to Barbara and asks, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"
"It was so simple," Barbara replied, "Everybody knows that cuckoos live