ochoop17's Blog

What horse denied Smarty Jones the Triple Crown in 2004 ?

"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her room-mate.

"Terrible!" the room-mate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."

"Wow! That’s a very expensive car. What’s so bad about that?"

"He was the original owner!"

I make you weak at the worst of all times.
I keep you safe, I keep you fine.
I make your hands sweat, and your heart grow cold,
I visit the weak, but seldom the bold.

Who am I?

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

 

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

 

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.

 

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.

 

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

 

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

The 1st drive-in automobile service station was built by which company in 1913 ?

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

 

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

 

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

 

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

 

"I will start you at $85,000."

 

"$85,000!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

 

"That," said the owner, "is your first worry."

What do you have in December that you don’t have in any other months?

A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

 

The owner walks up to the young man and says, "Son, how much do you make a day?"

 

The guy replies, "150 dollars."

 

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

 

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks the owner, "Have you seen that UPS driver? I asked him to wait right here for me!"

Thomas Jefferson appears on the $2 bill, but in 1862, the 1st $2 bill appeared with the Portrait of whom ?

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

Joe bought a bag of oranges on Monday, and ate a third of them. On Tuesday he ate half of the remaining oranges. On Wednesday he looked in the bag to find he only had two oranges left. How many oranges were originally in the bag?

Santa Claus Conundrum

The 3 stages of man:

1) He believes in Santa Claus.
2) He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
3) He is Santa Claus.

What did Adam say to Eve on the day before Christmas?

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

What ends in a ‘w’ but has no end?