ochoop17's Blog

A site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

 

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," the foreman announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"

 

Nine hands went up.

 

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" the foreman asked the tenth man.

 

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

What English word has the letter "i" in it six times?

An extremely obese man shows up at his doctor's office and claims that he's tried every possible way to lose weight, to no avail. So the doctor proposes a radical diet: rectal feeding. Reassuring the fattie that he won't starve to death, the doctor explains that he can actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life, but that he's sure to lose weight in the process.

Three weeks later the patient comes in for a follow-up appointment, and he's down from 360 to a trim 175 pounds. The doctor shows him into his office and asks him how he's feeling, noticing that he's bouncing up and down in his seat quite energetically. "I'm feeling great, doc; never felt better" is the reply.

"In that case, why are you bouncing up and down like that?" asked the doctor.

"Just chewing some gum!"

A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man.

 

“Get over it, buddy,” he said. “It’s not the end of the world.”

 

“It’s all right for you to say,” answered his buddy. “But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?”

 

The man ponders it over for a moment, then says, “I’d break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in

the -ss.

David's father had three sons: Snap, Crackle & ___ ?

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.

 

As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about 20 minutes ago?”

 

“Yes,” the golfer responded.

 

“Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”

 

“Yes, I did. How did you know?” he asked.

 

“Well,” said the policeman very seriously, “Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver’s windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn’t make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?”

 

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, “I think I’ll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb.”

What common English verb becomes its own past tense by rearranging its letters?

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but noticing how beautiful John's room-mate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his room-mate, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his room-mate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Julie and I are just room-mates."

About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day ...Never Lie to Your Mother

A famous person in the 1890s was composing music. What is he doing now?

Four cars come to a four way stop, all coming from a different direction.  They can’t decide who got there first, so they all go forward at the same time.  They do not crash into each other, but all four cars go. How is this possible?

A civil engineer, a chemist and an economist are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says.

 

The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."

 

The chemist steps up and agrees to sleep in the barn. The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal."

 

So the economist is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

 

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

 

“What’s with that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked.

 

"It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock," the drunk replied.

 

“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.

 

“Yup,” replied the drunk.

 

“How does it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.

 

“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

 

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

 

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You a**hole! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”

How many bricks does it take to complete a building made of brick?

A couple has not been getting along for years, so the husband buys his wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.

 

Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn’t get her anything.

 

“Why didn’t you get me a birthday present!?” she asks angrily.

 

“Are you kidding me?” He replies, “You didn’t use what I got you last year!”

Why should you never mention the number 288 in front of anyone?