ochoop17's Blog

When is a chair like an expensive scarf?

One evening as Jack passed little Tommy’s bedroom he overheard his son praying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma. Bye bye Grandpa.”

The Dad wasn’t quite sure what Tommy meant by this, but was pleased to see his son praying.

However, the next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor after suffering a heart attack. Jack was rather spooked but convinced himself that it was just a coincidence.

The next night, he heard Tommy praying again: “God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy. Bye bye Grandma.”

Jack was getting worried now, but decided to just wait and see what transpired. He awoke early and went to check on Gradma, sure enough she was laying dead on the floor after suffering a heart attack.

Jack was really scared now and made sure that he was listening outside Tommy’s bedroom door when he prayed that night.

His worst fears were realised when Tommy said, “God bless Mummy. Bye bye Daddy.”

Now Jack was terrified. He couldn’t sleep at all that night and went to the doctor’s first thing the next morning for a check up. After getting a clean bill of health from the doctor he went to work and spent the day being exceedingly careful.

When he finally arrived home that evening his wife was waiting at the front door.
 ”Thank God you’re home,” She said, “We’ve had another terrible day here. The postman dropped dead on our drive this morning!”

A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bustrip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples. Why?

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
Have YOU ever seen a rabbit with glasses?

What's the difference between a sax player and a lawn mower?

A drunk man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knocking, mate, there's no paper in this one either."

A man had twelve toothpicks in front of him. He took one away. Now he had nine in front of him. How is this possible?

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

A pipe, a carrot, and a couple sticks are lying together in a field. Why?

An old man in his 80s got up and put on his coat.

 

“Where are you going?” his wife asked.

 

“I’m going to the doctor,” he replied.

 

“Why?” she asked. “Are you sick?”

 

“No,” he said. “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”

 

So his wife got up out of her rocker and began putting on her sweater.

 

“Where are you going?” the old man asked.

 

“I’m going to the doctor too,” she replied.

 

“Why?” he asked.

 

“If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot!”

Trains travel from Foodletown to Myerville all day, always on the same track, always going nonstop and at the same speed. The noon train took 80 minutes to complete the trip, but the 4 PM train took an hour and 20 minutes. Why?

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

 

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”

What 3 letters change a girl into a woman?

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

 

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

 

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise."

 

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

 

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

 

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

 

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out!"

Apples

A basket contains 5 apples. Do you know how to divide them to 5 kids so that each one has an apple and one apple stays in the basket?