ochoop17's Blog

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, “Who is mightiest of all the animals?”

 

The trembling monkey said, “You are, mighty Lion!

 

Later, the lion confronted a wildebeest and fiercely bellowed, “Who is the mightiest of all the animals?”

 

The terrified wildebeest stammered, “Oh great lion, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle!”

 

On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, “Who is mightiest of all the animals?”

 

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk and slammed him against a tree half a dozen times. The elephant then stomped on the lion until he looked like a corn tortilla.

 

The lion let out a moan, lifted his head weakly and hollered after the elephant, “Just because you don’t know the answer, doesn’t mean you have to get so mad.”

I cannot be felt, seen or touched;
Yet I can be found in everybody;
My existence is always in debate;
Yet I have my own style of music.
What Am I?

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

 

“Dear wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 19-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. - Your Husband”

 

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

 

“Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 19-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up.”

They belong to me
They belong to you
They can make you feel happy
or make you feel blue
They never end
until the day you do?

My grandfather got his tongue shot off in the Second World War.

He doesn’t talk about it though.

How can a woman living in New Jersey, legally marry 3 men, without ever getting a divorce, be widowed, or becoming legally separated?

Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad

Moods of a Man

Horny.

Forwards its heavy, backwards its not

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

 

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

 

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

 

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic sprinter.”

 

“How so?”

 

“He’s got his time down to under 11 seconds.”

What has a head, a tail, is brown, and has no legs?

What has to be broken before it can be used?

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50
10. Sag! You're it!

9. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.

8. 20 questions shouted in your good ear.

7. Kick the bucket.

6. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says bend over.

5. Doc, doc, goose.

4. Simon says something incoherent.

3. Musical recliners.

2. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.

AND THE NUMBER 1 PARTY GAME FOR OLD PEOPLE IS... 1. Hide and go pee!

Where did pasta originate?

Italy, China or Greece.

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. So, when they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

 

The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

 

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question.

 

“For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.”

 

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

 

Then, the test continued… “For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.”