ochoop17's Blog

An old bum goes into a coffee shop and asks for a cup of coffee.

 

"But I don't think you can pay for it," says the waitress.

 

"You're right," says the bum. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you've never seen before, will you get me some coffee?"

 

"Well, OK," says the waitress.

 

So the guy pulls a hamster out of his pack and it starts to dance. It has incredible rhythm and can do awesome moves.

 

"One cup of joe, comin' up," says the waitress.

 

The guy guzzles it down and asks for more.

 

"Money or another miracle, or else no joe," says the waitress.

 

So the guy pulls a frog out of his pack. The frog starts to sing, and his voice is beautifully high. A guy rushes over and asks for the frog for $300. The bum gladly accepts.

 

"Are you insane?" asks the waitress. "You sold a singing frog for three hundred bucks? It's gotta be worth millions!"

 

"Not so," said she bum matter-of-factly. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

One the Japanese Barbie, these are even bigger, rounder,
and more voluptuous than on the American Barb. What are
they?

”Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

 

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

 

”Yes, Father, it is.”

 

“And who was the girl you were with?”

 

“I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.”

 

“Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

 

“I cannot say.”

 

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

 

“I'll never tell.”

 

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

 

“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”

 

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

 

“My lips are sealed.”

 

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

 

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

 

The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight-lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now, you go and behave yourself.”

 

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”

 

“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous. He became quite besotted with Clearly and after a while it became obvious that she was
interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Clearly whilst he was still going out with Lorraine. He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and get it on with Clearly.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell into the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing...

(Get ready ...) and scroll down







.... "I can see Clearly now. Lorraine has gone."

Can you name three consecutive days
without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

I cannot be felt, seen or touched;
Yet I can be found in everybody;
My existence is always in debate;
Yet I have my own style of music.
What Am I?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

What fastens two people yet touches only one?

One day, long, long ago there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or b***h. But this was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

 

The End.

Rearrange the letters of NOR DO WE to make one word.

One day three women were at a beauty parlor talking about their husbands. The first woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his office, but when I called they said he wasn't there!''

''I know!'' the next woman says, ''Last night my husband said he was going to his brother's house but when I called he wasn't there.''

The third woman says, ''I always know where my husband is.''

''Impossible!'' both women say, ''He has you completely fooled!''

''Oh no,'' says the woman. ''I'm a widow.''

How do you fix a jack-o'-lantern?

A lonely guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted to buy an unusual animal. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

 

He took the box back home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

 

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s with me for a beer?” But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?”

 

But again there was no answer from his new pet. So he waited a few more minutes, thinking about the situation and he decided to ask him one more time. This time, he put his face up against the centipede’s little house he shouted, “HEY, IN THERE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK`S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?”

 

A little voice came out of the box, “I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I`M PUTTING ON MY SHOES!”

The more you take, the more you leave behind. What are they?

The Top 10 Reasons Trick or Treating is Better than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

And the #1 Reason Trick or Treating is better than sex.......

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!