ochoop17's Blog

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig and a chicken. When he got to the table he saw a dry bowl of cereal.

 

"What's the deal?" he asks.

 

His mom says: "You kicked the cow, so no milk for you; you kicked the pig, so no bacon for you; and you kicked the chicken, so no eggs for you."

 

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

 

The boy turns to his mother and says: "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

The first U.S. Census was taken in what year ?

What is represented by this BrainBat?

VEPSTRIIGAVTOATER

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says: "Hey, can you give me a hand?"

 

Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

 

"Hey, thanks a lot," the man says

 

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

 

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says: "I don't know, but until I find out I'm sure not going to touch it!"

What was the middle name of Rutherford B. Hayes, our nation's 19th president?

If Mr. Pink lives in the pink house, Mr. Yellow lives in the yellow house, Mr. Green lives in the green house then who lives in the white house?

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

How many Oscar nominations has Meryl Streep received ?

What can be swallowed but can also swallow you?

A man who smelled like a distillery, flopped on a subway seat next  to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red  lipstick, and a half bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. 

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the  disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" 

"It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much  alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!" 

"Well, I'll be damned...!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.  "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" 

"I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."

Who said "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics" ? 

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted toward how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion , they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

 

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said: "Last Friday at the end of the workday I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

 

The engaged woman giggled and said: "That's pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose, and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

 

The married woman put her glass down and said: "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings, and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down, and yelled: "Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?"

In what way can the letter “A” help a deaf lady?

The 51- story One Shell Square is the tallest building in what city ? 

What goes through water but doesn’t get wet?