ochoop17's Blog

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Feb. 4, 19--: Congress establishes The U.S. Navy___________ and the Navy_______.

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."

At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale

Feb. 1, 17--: The U.S._________convenes for the first time in New York.

  I have four wings, but cannot fly.
I never laugh and never cry;
On the same spot I'm always found, toiling away with a little sound.

What am I?

Q. What did the police officer say to the midget complaining that someone picked his pocket?
A. I can’t believe someone would stoop so low.

Jan. 29, 18--: Edgar Allan Poe's poem "_______" is first published in the _______ Evening Mirror.

If you throw me from the window,
I will leave a grieving wife.
Bring me back, but in the door, and
You'll see someone giving life!

A blonde sitting in economy class on a flight going to Chicago suddenly stands up and sits down in a seat in first class. A flight attendant watching her goes over to her and says, "Excuse me miss, you can't sit here. You paid for an economy ticket." The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here until we get to Chicago." The flight attendant tries to tell her to go sit back in economy class, but the blonde repeats the phrase over and over, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, and I'm staying here until we get to Chicago." Then, the flight attendant goes into the <snip>pit and asks the pilot and co-pilot if they can help her with the blonde. The pilot agrees, and to his disappointment the same thing happens again. Then, the co-pilot says, "Wait, did you say she's blonde? I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde. Let me try." So he goes to first class, whispers in the blonde's ear, and she quickly apologizes and sits back in economy again. The flight attendant and the pilot are amazed and ask him how he did it. The co-pilot replies, "I told her that first class wasn't going to Chicago."

Jan. 26, 16--: _______ settlers are expelled from north-eastern Brazil, ending a 24-year struggle to wrest the colony from the _________.

I am a three digit number. My tens digit is five more than my ones digit. My hundreds digit is eight less than my tens digit. What number am I?

Love is holding hands in the street
Marriage is holding arguments in the street

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant
Marriage is Chinese take-out

Love is cuddling (??)on a sofa
Marriage is deciding on a sofa

Love is talking about having children
Marriage is talking about getting away from children

Love is going to bed early
Marriage is going to sleep early

Love is a romantic drive
Marriage is a tarmac (???)drive

Love is losing your appetite
Marriage is losing your figure

Love is sweet nothings in the ear
Marriage is sweet nothing's in the bank

Love is a flickering flame
Marriage is a flickering television

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws (??,??)
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!"

Jan. 23,19--: The U.S. Navy bathyscaphe ________ carries two men to the deepest known point in the ______ Ocean, more than 35,000 feet down.

You can have me but cannot hold me;
Gain me and quickly lose me.
If treated with care I can be great,
And if betrayed I will break.
What am I?