emilyg's Blog

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Do you know what happened 164 years ago this summer....
September 9, 1850?

California became a state!

The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically NOTHING has changed except,
then the women had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

That, my friends, is the history lesson for today.

LT. COL. RALPH PETERS: Putin has never backed down from anybody, he's not a bluffer. And he is trained as a KGB agent handler. He sizes up people well. He has Obama's number and Obama's number is zero. This is a president who talks and does nothing. Putin, did he say, 'Oh, I'm going to go in the Crimea, you better look out?' No. He did it, and that's the way you do it. Fait accompli.

And unfortunately, the only powerful leader in Eurasia right now, the only real leader is a horrible, horrible man named Vladimir Putin. And the west has no leader, because the president of the United States, except rhetorically, is absent without leave. Obama -- it's not that Obama wouldn't like to do something, he has no idea on earth what to do.

The Cranky Old Woman.

A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery
store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the
security guard to the arresting officer who took her away, complaining
and criticizing throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had stolen
from the store. The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine,
but what do you care about that?"
The judge patiently said, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you
nine days in jail � one day for each peach." As the judge was about to
drop his gavel, the lady's long suffering husband raised his hand and
asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?"
The husband said, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas."

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GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen
phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication
you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'.."

***********************
An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
(I LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point
when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."

---------------------------------
The older we get,the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)
---------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!  I want people to know why
I look this way.  I've traveled a long way
and some of the roads weren't paved.

********************
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

-------------------------------
One of the many things
no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's worse when  you forget to pull it down.
""""""""
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.  The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention  to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.  I'm looking for my wife, too...  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."  The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"  The young guy says,
"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.  What does your wife look like?'  To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)

*********************
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . . stick around awhile .. . . it will!

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT.
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My Twilight Years ~ Clint Eastwood

As I enjoy my twilight years, I am often struck by the inevitability that the party must end.

There will be a clear, cold morning when there isn't any "more."

No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat.

It seems to me that one of the important things to do before that morning comes,

is to let every one of your family and friends know that you care for them by finding simple ways

to let them know your heartfelt beliefs and the guiding principles of your life so they can always say,

"He was my friend, and I know where he stood."

So, just in case I'm gone tomorrow, please know this ........

I voted against that incompetent, lying, flip-flopping, insincere, double-talking, radical socialist,

terrorist excusing, bleeding heart, narcissistic, scientific and economic moron

currently in the White House!

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THE WORLD IS MINE - Author Unknown

Today, upon a bus, I saw a very beautiful woman And wished I were as beautiful.
When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle.
She had one leg and used a crutch. But as she passed, she passed a smile.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two legs; the world is mine.

I stopped to buy some candy. The lad who sold it had such charm.
I talked with him, he seemed so glad. If I were late, it'd do no harm.
And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind.
It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind."
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two eyes; the world is mine.

Later while walking down the street, I saw a child I knew.
He stood and watched the others play, but he did not know what to do.
I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join them dear?"
He looked ahead without a word. I forgot, he couldn't hear.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have two ears; the world is mine.

With feet to take me where I'd go..
With eyes to see the sunset's glow.
With ears to hear what I'd know.
Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.

I've been blessed indeed, the world is mine.

If this poem makes you feel thankful, just forward it to your friends.
After all, it's just a simple reminder that we have so much to be thankful for!
Give the gift of love. It never comes back empty !

I have been truly blessed with AWESOME FRIENDS

Irish in flight

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain.  Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Philadelphia International. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH...  MY GOD!"

Silence followed...................

Some moments later, the captain  came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the  back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled........
    "For the luvva...... Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"

Cletus is passing by Billy Joe's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Joe doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Joe ?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Joe ...
"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to  a tractor."

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Just read the last line again, slowly.)

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Obama in 2006: We Fought a Revolution in 1776 So the President Couldn't Unilaterally Ignore the Law

A SOUTHERNER MOVES UP NORTH

JAN 10 5:00 PM. It's starting to snow. The first snow of the season and

the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered

rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,

clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!

Jan 11 We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white covering the

landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a

beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and

loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city

snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with

compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved

back and shoveled it again.

Jan 12 It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature has

dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs

snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again.

Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of

the snow is now brownish-gray.

Jan 13 Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon

became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both

cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to a chiropractor, but

nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Jan 14 Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4x4 in order to get

to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway, and did considerable amounts of

damage to the right quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of the white <snip>

last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in

store for me today. That god<snip> snowplow came by twice today.

Jan 15 2 degrees outside. More <snip>in' snow. Not a tree or shrub on our

property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night.

Tried to keep from freezing to death with candies and a kerosene heater,

which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put the

flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my

eyelashes and eyebrows. 4x4 slid on the ice on the way to the

emergency-room and was totaled.

Jan 16 God<snip> mother <snip>in' white <snip> keeps coming down. Have to put

all the clothes on we own just to get to the <snip>in' mailbox. If I ever

catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow I'll chew open his

chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner and waits

to plow shut our driveway again. Power still off. Toilet froze and part

of the roof has started to cave in.

Jan 17 Six god<snip> more <snip>in' inches of <snip>in' snow and <snip>in'

sleet, <snip>in' ice and god<snip> knows what other kind of white <snip>in'

<snip> fell last night. I wounded the <snip>in' snowplow <snip> with an ice

axe, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going

snowblind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More

snow predicted. Wind Chill -22 <snip>in' degrees. I'm moving back to