emilyg's Blog

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating
the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at
Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or, China ...

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ...

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer
all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

On a Maine shop:
          "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and   
           workmanship.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
          "Don't kill your wife.  Let our washing machines do the dirty work."

On a window of a New Hampshire burger restaurant:
          "Yes, we are open.  Sorry for the inconvenience."

In a clothing store:
          "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store:
          "15 men's wool suits - $10.00 - They won't last an hour!"

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee:
          "Archery tournament.  Ears pierced."

Outside a country shop:
          "We buy junk and sell antiques."

On a North Carolina highway:
          "EAT"
          "300 FEET"

In the window of an Oregon general store:
          "Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Massachusettes parking area reserved for birdwatchers:
          "Parking for birds only."

In front of a New Hampshire store:
          "Endurable floors."

On a radiator repair garage:
          "Best place too take a leak."

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
         "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own
           graves."

On a roller coaster:
          "Watch your head."

On the grounds of a private school:
          "No trespassing without permission."

In a library:
          "Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops
           taking it away.

On a Tennessee highway:
           "Take Notice:  When this sign is under water the road is impasable."

Similarily in a New Hampshire car wash:
          "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

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Halloween is coming!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

Bump...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

The coffin stops

He knew: Leaked memo shows Obama Admin knew of Healthcare.gov glitches before Oct. 1 rollout
What did he know and when did he know it? A leaked memo shows the Obama Administration was well aware Healthcare.gov was a disaster waiting to happen. Why would they unleash this debacle on the American public when they knew it would crash and burn

Who's in charge? Obama 'knew nothing' about NSA, Fast and Furious, Benghazi, Obamacare glitches
He is the know nothing president. Anytime something bad happens, it seems President Obama only found out about it like everyone else - by watching the news. How in the world does he expect that answer to inspire confidence in his leadership? If our President is only watching the news, who the heck is running the show?

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*Our Phones ~ Wireless *Cooking ~ Fireless *Cars ~ Keyless *Food ~ Fatless *Tires ~ Tubeless *Dress ~ Sleeveless *Youth ~ Jobless *Leaders ~ Shameless *Relationships ~ Meaningless *Attitude ~ Careless *Wives ~ Fearless *Babies ~ Fatherless *Feelings ~ Heartless *Education ~ Valueless *Children ~ Mannerless *Country ~ Godless In fact we are ~ Speechless Congress is ~ CLUELESS !! And our President is ~ WORTHLESS !! Everything is becoming LESS, but still our hopes are ~ Endless.

Distracted Driving Incident

Everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which gender you are.........

This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a

Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac

Doing 65 mph

With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds...

To continue shaving

And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,

Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt
And
I dropped

My electric shaver

Which knocked

The donut
Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car

Using my knees against
The steering wheel,

It knocked

My Cell Phone

Away from my ear

Which fell

Into the coffee

Between my legs!

Splashed,

And burned

Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the <snip> phone,

Soaked my trousers,

And disconnected an
Important call.

<snip> women drivers!

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.
        Half way through the semester, having foolishly
        squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern
        education is developing! They actually have a
        program here at A&M that will teach our dog,
        Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get
        Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young
        cowboy says"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
        the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
        "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
        "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such
        good results they have started to teach the animals
        how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we
        get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
        The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a
        problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
        out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
        father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
        something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
        Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,
        Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the
        recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he
        usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your
        daddy still messing around with that little redhead
        who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you
        shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
        Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

Actual signs

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE
50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.
IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED...
OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH:
IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

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US debt ceiling crisis � Barack Obama has won the shutdown. His prize is a lame duck presidency
UK Telegraph ^ | 10/16/13 | Dr. Tim Stanley
From  U.K.Telegraph
Posted on Wednesday, October 16, 2013 8:06:01 PM by SoFloFreeper

The shutdown is basically over and the President has won....

But there are caveats to that narrative. First, the Republicans aren't the only ones who ought to hang their heads in shame. It was the Democrat-controlled Senate that first rejected the House's bill and so sparked the crisis. It was the President who refused to talk to anyone about it (and went campaigning instead). It was the federal government � even when in shutdown � that behaved like a spoiled child...

what has Obama really won? He keeps his precious healthcare reform and he gets government open again � but tomorrow morning he'll still have the same gridlocked political system that he had the night before. The shutdown is a rare example of him winning, but remember that this lame duck president has not only had a very simple (and, frankly, inoffensive) gun control bill killed in the Senate but was so spooked by bad poll numbers that he tried to dump responsibility for military action in Syria onto the Congress � before quietly dropping the idea altogether. Any thought that the shutdown payoff will be that he can sail an immigration reform package comfortably through Congress is pure fantasy. This is a broken presidency living out its last few years either holding off Republican attacks or lazily cruising the country on some pointless, endless, fatuous campaign trail. Obama's administration is politically bankrupt.

> The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing  that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and  even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
>
>>  Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted  a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade  straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
>>
>>  KABOOM!
>>
>>  He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
>>
>>  KA-BLOOEY!
>>
>>  Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
>>
>>  BULLS-EYE!
>>
>>  "I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the  perfect arm!"
>>
>>  So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.  And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
>>
>>  The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
>>
>>  "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
>>
>>  "I don't want to talk to you, the old woman says."You are not my son!!"
>>
>>  "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads.  "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
>>
>>  "No!  Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"  The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,..........
>>
>>"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
>>

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