emilyg's Blog

00  02  03  07

12  14  15  17

25  27  29

34  35

47  49

56  58

79

88  89

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug),
which came in a little white box to use as his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,

"Would you like to go to church with me today?
We will  have  a  good  time."

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but  he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going to church with me and  receive  blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a  few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey,  in  there !   I  would  like you to go
to church with me
and  learn  about  God!

YOU  ARE  GOING  TO  LOVE  THIS
......

This  time, a  little  voice came  out  of  the  box  and  said,

"I  heard  you  the
first  time !

I ' m  putting  my  shoes
on!"

Have a Dog And No Wife:

     
1. The later you are,
the more excited your dogs are to see you.

     
2. Dogs don't notice if
you call them by another dog's name.

     
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot
of things on the floor.

     
4. A dog's parents never
visit.

     
5. Dogs agree that you
have to raise your voice to get your point across.

     
6. Dogs find you amusing
when you're drunk.

     
7. Dogs like to go hunting and
fishing.

     
8. A dog will not wake
you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another
dog?"

     
9. If a dog has babies,
you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

     
10. A dog will let you
put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

     
11. If a dog smells
another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's
interesting.

And last... but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it
                                                                           won't take half of your stuff.

     

...To test this
theory...
...Lock your wife and your dog
in the garage for an hour...
...Then open it and see who's
happy to see you...

00  01  04  07  08

12

24  25  27  29

34  38  38

45

56  58

67  69

78

TOP TEN INDICATORS YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," and this is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is.... "Embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED OBAMA'S HEALTH CARE PLAN:

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

=

READ THIS VERY SLOWLY... IT'S PRETTY PROFOUND.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said , 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain' And my personal favorite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi'?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND including me if you consider me a friend. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.

To those I have sent this to... I cherish our friendship and appreciate all you do. We have some history together.
                'Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!'

igures: Obama admin isn't aware of white jogger shot by 'bored' black teens
The media doesn't seem overly interested in the shocking murder of an Australian student, who was in America on an athletic when he was shot dead by three teens who claimed 'boredom' as an excuse. When asked about the tragedy today, the Obama administration said it wasn't familiar with the case. Figures. They commented on rodeo clown and Zimmerman but not this one. See their ignorance and get Glenn's reaction HERE.

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled

out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue.  I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and

not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".

"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.  When the man sitting next

to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,

"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer

PAPER IS DEAD???

It has been said that paper is dead ...
It's only 39 seconds so please watch it all...the irony won't be lost on you.
http://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0<http://www.youtube.com/embed/V_gOZDWQj3Q?rel=0>

One of the shortest videos you'll ever see...a woman goes back to work after thirty years. Watch carefully, the video is only 4 seconds long, but you'll get it.

If you're younger than 40 years old, you probably won't understand it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qteu4ld_SCE

01  03  04  05  07  08

12  16

23  24

39

56  57  59

66  68                  88

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold  beer

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep
thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said
'nothing'.  The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking'
is because she  would have said 'about what'.

At that point I would  have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which
would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about that age old question: Is giving birth more painful  than getting kicked
in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way
more painful than a guy  getting kicked in the nuts. Well,
after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for
my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will
often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the  other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would
like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.  Time  for another beer.

02  03  04  08  09

12  15  16  18

23  26  28

34  38

56  59                69

Whew, scientific proof. What a relief to learn this !

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was ?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an Event Boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.
Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
Thank goodness for studies like this.
It's not our age, it's that <snip> door !

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?(Yep. You betcha. There is a moral!)

'When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley to pick up chicks!