emilyg's Blog

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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

When a trusted employee did not call in sick the boss .....

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman"

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," the whisper answered.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter." answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle. "ME.!!

"Kindness" covers all of my political beliefs. No need to spell them out. I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do. To make others less happy is a crime. To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts. We must try to contribute joy to the world. That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances. We must try. I didn't always know this and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.

Roger Ebert

How was I born

Daddy , how was I
Born?

A little boy
Goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father Answers,

'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I Set up a date via e-mail with your Mom

and we met at a cyber-cafe..

We Sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other.

There your mother Agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload,

We discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,

and since it was too Late to hit the delete button,

nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that

Said:

Scroll

Down...You'll love this .....

'You got
Male!

Obama's shock Easter sermon: 'Captains of the religious right' want blacks 'in the back of the bus,' women 'back in the kitchen'
St. John's Episcopal Church in Washington D.C. is known as the President's church, but soon they're also going to soon be known as one of the worst churches in America if they keep this up. To celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ and the salvation of all mankind, the pastor felt it was appropriate to call conservatives racist & sexist. Sounds more like a DNC meeting than an Easter sermon. STORY

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  Happy Easter

Black Leaders Open Fire on Obama Over Unemployment

Friday, March 29, 2013 4:06:09 PM � by Kaslin � 61 replies
Townhall.com ^ | March 29, 2013 | Donald Lambro

WASHINGTON - Barack Obama's failed job policies are facing bitter criticism from African-American leaders who say black unemployment has grown worse under his presidency. After four years of holding their tongues and remaining quiet in the face of sharply rising black unemployment and record poverty, political leaders from the Congressional Black Caucus to the NAACP have begun to open fire on the White House. Obama won 96 percent of the black vote in 2008 and about the same percentage in 2012, despite a worsening jobless crisis among African-Americans. At 14 percent for adults and 43.1 percent for 16

Townhall.com

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 30 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 15 years replied, "Can you believe my husband is out fishing in that crap?"

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Automatic federal cuts are bringing staffers to the brink of starvation, suggested Debbie Wasserman Schultz, at a recent House Legislative Branch Appropriations Subcommittee hearing.

Restaurants on the House side of Congress are increasing in cost so much that aides are being "priced out" of a good meal, she said, as Fox News reported. The comments came by way of a discussion about the impacts of the sequester on lawmakers' office budgets. Rep. Jim Moran said he may be forced to lay off a staffer � and then Ms. Wasserman Schultz weighed in with her tale of hard times.

Just to clarify: An 8-ounce bowl of Ham and Bean soup at the Cannon Office Building's carry-out caf� costs $2. A gourmet wrap or sliced bread sandwich sells for about $5. And in the Longworth Building's sit-down cafeteria, a serving of stuffed chicken, asparagus and mashed potatoes sells for about $7, Fox News finds.

Meanwhile, Ms. Wasserman Schultz's staffers earn between $60,000 and $160,000 per year, Fox News reports

Read more: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2013/mar/22/debbie-wasserman-schultz-sequester-nearly-starving/#ixzz2ONNwROPT

As President Obama gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Joe Biden, and I got one for Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

The Bathtub Test.

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?"

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?

"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best b***h with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.

And you, Susie?

" I wanna be Johnny's b***h!"

ha.......smart little girl.