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October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.
Thought you'd like to know.
An Italian man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he
noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet
behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man
walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200
men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian
man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you ,
but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
"What happened to her ?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse ?"
The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of Italian brotherhood and silence
passed between the two men..
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
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Fresh from my shower, I was standing in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
How long will this take, I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years, my husband replies.
I stopped. Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw
Dear All Three
With last evening's crop of whinges and tidings of more rotten news for which you seem to treat your mother like a cess-pit, I feel it is time to come off my perch.
It is obvious that none of you has the faintest notion of the bitter disappointment each of you has in your own way dished out to us. We are seeing the miserable death throes of the fourth of your collective marriages at the same time we see the advent of a fifth.
We are constantly regaled with chapter and verse of the happy, successful lives of the families of our friends and relatives and being asked of news of our own children and grandchildren. I wonder if you realise how we feel � we have nothing to say which reflects any credit on you or us. We don't ask for your sympathy or understanding � Mum and I have been used to taking our own misfortunes on the chin, and making our own effort to bash our little paths through life without being a burden to others. Having done our best � probably misguidedly � to provide for our children, we naturally hoped to see them in turn take up their own banners and provide happy and stable homes for their own children.
Fulfilling careers based on your educations would have helped � but as yet none of you is what I would confidently term properly self-supporting. Which of you, with or without a spouse, can support your families, finance your home and provide a pension for your old age? Each of you is well able to earn a comfortable living and provide for your children, yet each of you has contrived to avoid even moderate achievement. Far from your children being able to rely on your provision, they are faced with needing to survive their introduction to life with you as parents.
So we witness the introduction to this life of six beautiful children � soon to be seven � none of whose parents have had the maturity and sound judgment to make a reasonable fist at making essential threshold decisions. None of these decisions were made with any pretence to ask for our advice.
In each case we have been expected to acquiesce with mostly hasty, but always in our view, badly judged decisions. None of you has done yourself, or given to us, the basic courtesy to ask us what we think while there was still time finally to think things through. The predictable result has been a decade of deep unhappiness over the fates of our grandchildren. If it wasn't for them, Mum and I would not be too concerned, as each of you consciously, and with eyes wide open, crashes from one <snip>-up to the next. It makes us weak that so many of these events are copulation-driven, and then helplessly to see these lovely little people being so woefully let down by you, their parents.
I can now tell you that I for one, and I sense Mum feels the same, have had enough of being forced to live through the never-ending bad dream of our children's underachievement and domestic ineptitudes. I want to hear no more from any of you until, if you feel inclined, you have a success or an achievement or a REALISTIC plan for the support and happiness of your children to tell me about. I don't want to see your mother burdened any more with your miserable woes � it's not as if any of the advice she strives to give you has ever been listened to with good grace � far less acted upon. So I ask you to spare her further unhappiness. If you think I have been unfair in what I have said, by all means try to persuade me to change my mind. But you won't do it by simply whingeing and saying you don't like it. You'll have to come up with meaty reasons to demolish my points and build a case for yourself. If that isn't possible, or you simply can't be bothered, then I rest my case.
MARILYN AND LOLA.
A FARMER DECIDED
HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN
AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,
"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID,
"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.
WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER
AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO
TWO OLD WIDOWS
NAMED MARILYN AND LOLA
THE MOVIE STARTED
AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . .
THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO
CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT
AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"LOLA," WHISPERED MARILYN.
"WHAT?" SAID LOLA.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME
IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED LOLA?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND
HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MARILYN.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID LOLA..
"AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MARILYN,
"BUT THIS ONE'S
EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"
You don't have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!
A man suffers a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they see him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awoke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the local Catholic Hospital.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect, send the bill to my brother-in-law!!"
A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.
"I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."
The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to be giving a lecture at this time of night?"
"That would be my wife," comes the reply.
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Today upon a bus I saw A lovely maid with golden hair I envied her - she seemed so gay- And oh, I wished I were so fair, When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle; She had one foot and wore a crutch, But as she passed, a smile, Oh God, forgive me when I whine, I have two feet - the world is mine.
And when I stopped to buy some sweets, The lad who served me had such charm He seemed to radiate good cheer, His manner was so kind and warm. I said, "It's nice to deal with you, Such courtesy I seldom find." He turned and said, "Oh, thank you, sir!" And then I saw that he was blind. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine, I have two eyes- the world is mine.
Then when walking down the street, I saw a child with eyes of blue, He stood and watched the others play; It seemed he knew not what to do; I stopped a moment, then I said, "Why don't you join the others, dear?" He looked ahead without a word, And then I knew: He could not hear. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine, I have two ears,- the world is mine.
With feet to take where I'd go, With eyes to see the sunset's glow, With ears to hear what I would know, I'm blessed indeed; the world is mine; Oh, God, forgive me when I whine.
A PETS TEN COMMANDMENTS
1. My life is likely to last 10-15 years. Any separation from you is likely to be painful.
2. Give me time to understand what you want of me.
3. Place your trust in me. It is crucial for my well-being.
4. Don't be angry with me for long and don't lock me up as punishment. You have your work, your friends, your entertainment, but I have only you.
5. Talk to me. Even if I don't understand your words, I do understand your voice when speaking to me.
6. Be aware that however you treat me, I will never forget it.
7. Before you hit me, before you strike me, remember that I could hurt you, and yet, I choose not to bite you.
8. Before you scold me for being lazy or uncooperative, ask yourself if something might be bothering me. Perhaps I'm not getting the right food, I have been in the sun too long, or my heart might be getting old or weak.
9. Please take care of me when I grow old. You too, will grow old.
10. On the ultimate difficult journey, go with me please. Never say you can't bear to watch. Don't make me face this alone. Everything is easier for me if you are there, because I love you so.
1. Buy a turkey 2. Have a glass of wine 3. Stuff turkey 4. Have a glass of wine 5. Put turkey in oven 6. Relax, have another few glasses of wine 7. Turk the bastey 8. Wine of glass another get 9. Ponder the meat thermometer 10. Glass yourself another pour of wine 11. Bake the wine for 4 hours 12. Take the oven out of the turkey 13. Floor the turkey up off the pick 14. Turk the carvey 15. Get yourself another wottle of bine 16. Tet the sable, and pour yourself another glass of turkey 17. Say grace, throw-up, and pass-out
Fishing Trip ~
Four of us guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years. Two
days before the group is to leave, my wife puts her foot down and
tells me I'm not going. My mates are very upset
that I can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the other three get to the camping site only to find me
sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered,
and dinner cooking on the fire.
"Shucks Man, how long you been here, and how did you
talk your missus into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my
chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and
said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand
new see~through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our
bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she
had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed,
so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."
So, here I am . . . You guys want a beer ? ? ?"
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I
clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly,
dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his
wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!! ?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been
higher.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar
detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched
teeth, 'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing
your seat belt, sir.That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I
took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of
my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have
your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver
turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband
always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
(I love this part)
'Only when he's been drinking.'