ochoop17's Blog

Certificate to love

One day two friends were talking..

One said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

What group had a hit in the 1950's with the song "Yakety Yak" ?

What starts with "e", ends with "e" and has only one letter?

How do you know celebrities are suffering in this tough economy?
A1: Paris Hilton changed her name to Paris Red Roof Inn!
A2: Heidi and Spencer actually had to get real jobs (stars of MTVs "The Hills")
A3: Brangelina (Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie) can only adopt 1 kid this year!
A4: A-Rod had to switch from using steroids to flintstone vitamins!
A5: P Diddy is now buying his bling at Kay Jewelers!
A6: Rockstar Eddie Money's new name is just Eddie
A7: Heather Mills is now marrying guys for love!
A8: Bill Maher is going to church to pray!
A9: Amy Winehouse is clipping her nose hairs looking for that last little bit of cocaine!
A10: Robin Leach has a new show "Lifestyles of the people who still have a job"

Roy Harold Scherer is better known by what name ?

How can you jump from the top of a 100-foot ladder onto a concrete floor without getting hurt?

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage

, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

 

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

 

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
manager asked.

 

"That's the one!"

 

That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"

 

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his #$&^ing guide dog bit me."

 

 

 

 

Who was the first female Secretary of Transportation ?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?

Baseball great Honus Wagner played most of career with what team ?

As a pastor was visiting an elderly lady in the hospital he noticed a bowl of peanuts by her bed. He began to nibble the peanuts as they visited and by the end of the visit realized he had consumed the entire bowl. Feeling badly he bought a bag and brought them to her the next day. As he gave them to her he explained they were to replace those he'd eaten the day before. "Why you didn't need to do that Pastor", the lady explained. "The thing is, I don't have any teeth, so when my nephew brings me chocolate-covered peanuts. Well, I just suck the chocolate off and spit the peanuts in the bowl."

"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.

Where will the Super Bowl take place in 2011 ?

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied.

He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b******!
You've been playing golf!!"