Jani Norman's Blog

 
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 

Signs Found In The Kitchen Of A Lottery Player 

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! 

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!! 

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! 

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. 

If you write in the dust, please don't date it! 

I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener! 

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! 

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. 

If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your 
standards. 

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, 
converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's 
even worse. 

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is 
delirious. 

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand! 

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall 
never cease to be amused. 

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and 
gone on to lead normal lives. 

My next house will have no kitchen, just vending machines. 

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed 
bump.   
   
 

____________________________________________________________   

       

     
 
HOW NOT TO COMMIT A BANK ROBBERY 

Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of 
a number of would-be bank robbers. 

Pick The Right Bank: 
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in 
Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer 
in business and had no money. 

Study Your History: 
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, 
Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the 
townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture 
three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the 
customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their 
dollar, those Minnesotans. 

Speak To The Right Teller: 
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, 
and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out 
of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat 
on him until authorities arrived. 

Don't Sign Your Demand Note: 
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena 
issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an 
envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. 
And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a with- 
drawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number. 

Don't Advertise: 
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention 
from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra 
while holding up banks. 

Go Easy On The Disguise: 
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, 
ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal 
ever to be positively identified by lip-print. 

Take Right Turns Only: 
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a 
wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up 
to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a 
tollbooth, offered the security men money. 

Be Aware Of The Time: 
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, 
Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to 
escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped 
in rush hour traffic until police arrived. 

Consider Another Line Of Work: 
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI 
robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into 
his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died 
instantly. 

Be Strong: 
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, 
Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no 
money, fainted.  He was still unconscious when the police 
arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked 
inside. 

"Performance Evaluations" 

These useful quotes are from actual federal employee 
performance evaluations: 

* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock 
  bottom and has started to dig. 

* I would not allow this employee to breed. 

* This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more 
  of a definite won't-be. 

* When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to 
  change feet. 

* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 

* Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it 
  all together. 

* A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary 
  ignoramus. 

* He has been working with glue too much. 

* If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is 
  the other one. 

* A photographic memory but with the lens covered glued on. 
 
* Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 

* Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is 
  not coming. 

* Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking 
  for it. 

* If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered 
twice a week. 

* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 

* It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other 
  sperm. 

* Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes. 

* The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 

 

 Holiday Eating Tips 

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday 
buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, 
if you see carrots, leave immediately.  Go next door, where 
they're serving rum balls. 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.  Like fine 
single-malt scotch, it's rare.  In fact, it's even rarer 
than single-malt scotch.  You can't find it any other time 
of year but now. So drink up!  Who cares that it has 10,000 
calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn 
into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy 
it. 

3. If something comes with gravy, use it! That's the whole 
point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make 
a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. 
Eat the volcano. Repeat. 

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with 
skim milk or whole milk.  If it's skim, pass. Why bother? 
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort 
to control your eating. The whole point of going to a 
Christmas party is to  eat other people's food for free. 
Lots of it. 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now 
and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have 
nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which 
you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying 
a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet 
table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size 
of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have 
as many as you can before becoming the centre of attention. 
They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them 
behind, you're never going to see them again. 

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of 
each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and 
one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have 
more than one dessert? Labor Day? 

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with 
the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. 
I mean, have some standards. 

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave 
the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying 
attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is 
just around the corner. 

 

____________________________________________________________ 

+----------------- Bizarre Animal Facts -------------------+ 
 
Besides humans, the only animal that can stand on its head 
is the elephant. 

Nearly all polar bears are left-handed. 

A newborn panda is smaller than a mouse. 

The heads of a freak two-headed snake will fight over food - 
despite sharing the same stomach. 

The armadillo is the only animal - apart from man - that can 
catch leprosy. 

Some snakes can live up to a year without eating. 

Besides humans, the only animals that can suffer sunburn are 
pigs and horses. 

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. 

A donkey will sink in quicksand, but a mule won't. 

Pigs can become alcoholics. 

When hippopotamuses get upset, their sweat turns red. 

An angry gorilla pokes its tongue out. 

A giraffe can clean its ears with its tongue. 

Deer sleep only 5 minutes a day. 

[From That Book of Perfectly Useless Information] 

  

* Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.  

* Don't worry, it's not used any more.  

* Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.  

* Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm  
doing.  

* Yes of course the elastic is strong enough.  

* I wonder what happens if these two wires touch.  

* I thought it tasted rather strange.  

* Well "I've" never seen one that big.  

* You have driven this before, haven't you?  

* And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does  
that mean?  

* I've never had one of these fail to open before.  

* Are you sure they don't mind you taking their honey?  

* It's ok, I saw them do it on TV.  

____________________________________________________________   

         

Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper is Down  

10. The cucumber has left the salad.  

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his  
bells.  

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and  
locked position.  

7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.  

6. Elvis has left the building.  

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.  

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.  

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.  

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that  
rhymes with Venus.  

1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".  

The Washington Post Contest: Best Reasons for not coming to work  

- If it's all the same to you I won't be coming to work. The  
voices told me to clean all the guns today.  

- When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition  
to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good  
about it.  

- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the  
other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some  
kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up  
until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by  
reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi)  
clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on  
the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in  
late, or early.  

- My stigmata's acting up.  

- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my  
previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?  

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know  
we have that deadline to meet...  

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Wal-Mart  


- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit  
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be  
able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with  
AT&T, but thank you for calling.  

- Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.  

- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I  
shouldn't come in to work knowing my employee records may now  
contain false innormation.  

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even  
gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am  
startled.  

- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.  

- I prefer to remain an enigma.  

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the undead and  
we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her  
heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.  

- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined  
that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have  
to arrange for helicopter transportation.  

- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.  

- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.  

- My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at  
home with our sick son.  

- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there  
is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.  

- I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You sure I  
should come in?  

Actual Newspaper Headlines & Ads  


AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.  

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.  

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.  

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART DOG  

TICKLE ME ELMO. NEW IN BOX. HARDLY TICKLED. $700  

2 TINKLE ME ELMO DOLLS - BEST OFFER  

'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000  

VALENTINES DAY SALE: TY-D-BOL BLUE TOSS-INS  

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15  

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.  

GERMAN SHEPHERD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.  

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BTH HOME.  

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50  

NORDIC TRACK $300 - HARDLY USED - CALL CHUBBIE at:  

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING - "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"  

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS  

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG... LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE...  
BETTER BE A REWARD.  

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"  

GEORGIA PEACHES - CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.  

CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER  

NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE  

WHIRLPOOL BUILT IN OVEN -- FROST FREE!  

BARBIE COUNTRY RIDE -- (note: most dolls cannot pedal the bike).  

'93 PONTIAC LEMONS - LOW MILES  

AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED - $100  

KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.  

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT  
SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.  

THE MOST ROMANTIC LOVE SONGS OF THE '50s:=20  
INCLUDING "16 TONS" BY TENNESSEE ERNIE FORD  

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRING - $175.  

JOINING NUDIST COLONY, MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER - $300.  

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.  

 *----------------------------------------------*   

Today is  Monday, Aug. 9, the 222nd day of 2004 with  
144 to follow. The moon is waning.  The morning stars  
are Venus, Uranus and Saturn.  The evening stars are  
Mercury, Jupiter, Neptune, Mars and Pluto.  

"Some Stuff I Wish I'd Said"  

- "To the world you might be one person, but to one person you  
might be the world."  

- "Going to church does not make you a good person anymore than  
going to McDonald's makes you a hamburger."  

- "Real friends are those who, when you feel you've made a fool  
of yourself, don't feel you've done a permanent job."  

- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on  
the same side."  

- "I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to."  

- "Lead your life so you won't be ashamed to sell the family  
parrot to the town gossip."  

- "People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never  
cross."  

- "Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you  
respond to it."  

- "Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and  
sometimes you weep."  

- "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long  
enough to make them all yourself."  

- "There are two things I've learned: There is no Cinderella.  
And, I'm not her Prince."