SirMetro's Blog

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

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MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and r eceipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

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FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the truth!!!!

01. Drive up to cash machine.
02. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
03. Set parking brake, put the window down.
04. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
05. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
06. Attempt to insert card into machine.
07. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
08. Insert card.
09. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Please Vote for the Team of

Professional Dancer

Cheryl Burke

&

Ian Ziering

(former 90210 Star)

PS: Yes, I think Cheryl Burke is the absolute Hottest Dancer on the floor and is also the  winner of the Last 2 Dancing with the Stars (btw...I have takened ball room dancing lessons and that is perhaps the most physically difficult thing I have done in the past 20 years).

Preface: The intent is NOT to offer free advertising to any of the Companies listed below. But instead, as it is typical with me, to make fun of what is obviously a lack of a thought process some Corporate Business's tend to have when they try to rush online to get their "Name" on the WWW. Hope you all get a laugh out of this as well. 

All of these are legitimate companies that didn't spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear . . and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourself!

1. Who Represents is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3 Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. There's the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com

6. And don't forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in New South Wales, http://www.molestationnursery.com/

7. If you're looking for IP computer software, there's always http://www.ipanywhere.com/

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is www.cummingfirst.com

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, http://www.speedofart.com/

A blonde Texas city girl marries a Texas rancher.  One morning on his way out to check on the cows in the fields, the rancher says  to Amy: "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today.  I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn.  You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?"  And the rancher left for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.  Amy takes him down to the barn.  They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him:  "This  is the one, right here."

Terribly impressed by  what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man  asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be inseminated?"

"That's simple. By the nail over it's stall," Amy explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns to walk away, and with complete confidence, says: "I guess it's to hang your pants on....."

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much. 

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

I like this idea for a phone message, too bad my boss will not let me put this in my voice mail.

 

Thanks for calling an American Business, please 

Press "1" for English.

or

 

Press "2" to disconnect until you learn to speak English

 

 

And remember only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you,

 

Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.

 

One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.
She rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "When he sees it, he instantly becomes romantic.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered and put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

After ordering their cornbread & beans, they talk about the latest addition to their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue & shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers & quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm & the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

(this is an old item that is still funny to me today)

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........
Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain for one whole month."

The couple agreed, but after three weeks they returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain for the required month." the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat." admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church."

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot either."

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep crap.

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplane s?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant.

The flight attendant, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes, because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

Anniversary Gift

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.