SirMetro's Blog

I LOVE MY JOB . . . . .

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!
This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in  Louisiana
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne , Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment is bad the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back o f my wet suit. This floods my wholesuit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love myjob."

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket
Taser for their Valentine’s Day submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little
Something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt
Pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
Short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea
Is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to
Retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in
Two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
Disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button
AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
Arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd
Know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I''ll have yet to explain to my wife what that burn
spot
Is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new
Toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
Triple-a batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
Looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
Directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a
Flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping
Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such
A sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
Herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
Advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
Glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
Hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
Would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
To cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
Burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
Fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
The batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ed to
One side as to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from
Such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
Give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the
Prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
In the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
And over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
Position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
Testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
The oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a
Taser,that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
Yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
Your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be
Sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what
Little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
Reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get
There??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
Weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a
Significant reward for their safe return.


Still in shock, <Some Nut>

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers:
"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later
a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
Scroll Down
.
.
You got Male!

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=9731d_4407

With this kind of fire power, can we just ask that they stay at their own borders?

Although to be honest, I was at least expecting a white flag to pop out!!!

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."

The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it between your legs.It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?" said the wife.

"Just hold its little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene....

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?

I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on the sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25- year-old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.


Aren't older women great!
They really know how to solve your mid-life crises...

What if President Bush had adopted, word for word, the immortal words left behind by President Theodore Roosevelt (a few of my favorite listed below and can be found here at this website http://www.theodoreroosevelt.org/TR%20Web%20Book/TR_CD_to_HTML01.html). If one takes the time to actually read the words left behind by President T. Roosevelt, one might even surmise an amazing similarity of position and stance that President Bush has taken. So I dare to ask, go to the web site I listed above and read the immortal words of President Roosevelt and then, reconsider what has been said by President Bush. There are far greater similarities then there are differences. And at least President Bush has a plan, I haven’t seen anything other then rhetoric out of the Democrats, including the one who happens to be a direct descendant of President Roosevelt.

And for those of you who may be curious, I was born in another country, but I stand before each and every one of you today as an American and nothing else. No prefix, No dual-nationality claims. I am just an American and I am damn proud to call this country my Home.

Allegiance:

We can have no "fifty-fifty" allegiance in this country. Either a man is an American and nothing else, or he is not an American at all. We are akin by blood and descent to most of the nations of Europe; but we are separate from all of them; we are a new and distinct nation, and we are bound always to give our whole-hearted and undivided loyalty to our own flag, and in any international crisis to treat each and every foreign nation purely according to its conduct in that crisis. (New York Times, September 10, 1917.)

We are a different people from any people of Europe. It is our boast that we admit the immigrant to full fellowship and equality with the native-born. In return we demand that he shall share our undivided allegiance to the one flag which floats over all of us. (At Lincoln, Neb., June 14, 1917.) Mem. Ed. XXI, 192; Nat. Ed. XIX, 183.
UNITY OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE:
In this country we must all stand together absolutely without regard to our several lines of descent, as Americans and nothing else; and, above all, we must do this as regards moral issues. The great issues with which we must now deal are moral even more than material; and on these issues every good American should be with us, without the slightest regard to the land from which his forefathers came. (1916.)  Mem. Ed. XX, 250; Nat. Ed. XVIII, 216.
We are all of us Americans, and nothing else; we all have equal rights and equal obligations; we form part of one people, in the face of all other nations, paying allegiance only to one flag; and a wrong to any one of us is a wrong to all the rest of us. (New York Times, September 10, 1917.) Mem. Ed. XXI, 43; Nat. Ed. XIX, 37.
____________. There is one point upon which I wish to lay especial stress; that is, the necessity for a feeling of broad, radical, and intense Americanism, if good work is to be done in any direction. Above all, the one essential for success in every political movement which is to do lasting good, is that our citizens should act as Americans. . . . It is an outrage for a man to drag foreign politics into our contests, and vote as an Irishman or German or other foreigner, as the case may be. . . . But it is no less an outrage to discriminate against one who has become an American in good faith, merely because of his creed or birthplace. Every man who has gone into practical politics knows well enough that if he joins good men and fights those who are evil, he can pay no heed to lines of division drawn according to race and religion. (1890.) Mem. Ed. IX, 217; Nat. Ed. X, 360.

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for Lola and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. 

 

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

 

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

 

How a 7 Year Old Explains Sex

Ramy is seven years old and like other boys his age rather curious.

He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Ramy, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend.

This he did. The following morning, RAMY described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny.

He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath.

His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick......-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.

Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

This is the time of year that is set aside to celebrate. For each of us, the celebration is different. For most (I hope), this is a joyous time of year. But sadly, for many, this is perhaps the hardest time of year that they have to face. So I offer to all these few simple words. These words may not ease the burden of life upon your shoulders, but perhaps it will remind you that you are never alone in your struggles of life each day.

For those whom recently lost a close family member, a prayer is offered in hopes of helping them find the strength they need to carry on.

For those whom must spend this time of year alone, a wish is offered in hopes that the flame within will one day be fueled by the passion that their eventual soul mate will give them.

For those whom have lost touch with their Families, perhaps for reasons now forgotten, hope is offered so that the fences may be mended and you may one day celebrate this time of year with your family again.

For those who are celebrating this Holiday Season with their family and practicing the traditions passed down from the elders to the children, I ask that you remember. Remember those who feel lost today because of the loss of someone dear. Remember those who are alone today because they have no one to share this season with. And remember those who are alienated from their Families, no matter the reason. This Holiday Season and all others to come, remember why you celebrate this time of year.

From my Family to Yours
May your Christmas be merry and
May your New Year be bright and
May this Holiday Season be filled with joy and love to last a lifetime for all

Sincerely,
Lamar J. (aka Sir Metro)

Chocolate Humor
(found at http://www.chocolatefountainsales.com/)

*If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

*The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!

*Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces.

*Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, chocolate is therapeutic.

*There's nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with CHOCOLATE.

*This guy found a bottle on the ocean, and he opened it and out popped a genie, and he gave him three wishes. The guy wished for a million dollars, and poof! there was a million dollars. Then he wished for a convertible, and poof! there was a convertible. And then, he wished he could be irresistible to all women... poof! he turned into a box of chocolates.

*Exercise is a dirty word... Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

*I don't understand why so many "so called" chocolate lovers complain about the calories in chocolate, when all true chocoholics know that it is a vegetable. It comes from the cocoa bean, beans are veggies, 'nuff said.

*I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.

*I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process.... It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?

*I'm a serious chocoholic. For the serious chocoholic, chocolate is better than sex. If you believe that, you REALLY need to meet that special someone who can change your mind. If you HAVE met that special someone and still believe that, I REALLY NEED to know where you get your chocolate!!!

*Life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're going to get!

*Put "Eat Chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

*Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

*The problem: how to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: eat it in the parking lot.

*If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

*******Facts & Fiction******
Chocolate and fat

Chocolate contributes less than two percent of the fat in the American diet.
The main sources of fat are meat, full fat dairy products, and fried foods.

Chocolate and saturated fats
While chocolate contains some saturated fats, studies have shown that not all types of saturated fats raise blood cholesterol levels. For example, stearic acid is a saturated fat that makes up one-third of the fat in chocolate. Stearic acid does not raise blood cholesterol levels. In addition, oleic acid, a monounsaturated fat also found in olive oil, makes up one-third of the fat in chocolate. Eating foods with oleic acid as part of a healthful eating plan has been shown to be beneficial for heart health.

Chocolate and polyphenols
Chocolate is made from cocoa beans which come from the cocoa tree Theobroma cacao. As a result, chocolate contains many of the same healthy compounds from plants, including minerals (copper, iron, zinc, and magnesium) and specific antioxidants called polyphenols. Polyphenols, like those found in tea and red wine are currently being studied for their potential health benefits.

Chocolate and allergies
Allergies to chocolate are very uncommon. If you have been diagnosed with food allergies by a board-certified allergist, you must read labels and avoid the foods or ingredients that cause the allergic reaction. A registered dietitian can help you plan meals and select foods that exclude the food to which you are allergic.

Chocolate and headaches
Research shows that most headaches and chocolate intake are not related. Experts agree that most often it is stress, irregular sleep patterns, hunger, and hormone changes that trigger headaches.

Chocolate and tooth decay
Tooth decay happens when carbohydrates (both complex and simple) mix with natural bacteria in the mouth. This creates acid that breaks down the enamel on teeth. Chocolate, which contains carbohydrates, is no more or less responsible for tooth decay than other carbohydrate- containing foods like bread, raisins, crackers, and fruit. In fact, chocolate actually clears the mouth relatively quickly, reducing the time it spends in contact with the teeth.

Chocolate cravings
A recent study looked at why we crave chocolate and concluded that people do not become addicted to chocolate. Instead, the study found that people desire chocolate because they enjoy the sensation of eating it.

Chocolate and hyperactivity
Pediatricians say there is no link between the sugar found in chocolate or other foods and restlessness or attention-deficit-hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children.

I was sitting the other day in a crowded airport, waiting for a boarding call on my flight to Arizona. As I sat there, I noticed an old man sitting across from me facing the large picture window that gave passengers a view of the runway. The history of a life of hardship traced the old mans eyes as they stared into the twilight of his years, and as I watched, I saw tears rolling from those ancient steel gray eyes, leaving a trail of sadness that tore at my heart. I got up and walked to him and asked if I could join him. Without even looking up to identify me, he nodded, and I sat down, feeling awkward but intensely drawn to him in compassion for his quiet tears. " I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but notice you sitting here alone. Are you ok", I asked. There was a deafening silence suddenly between us, for what seemed a long time, and finally he spoke in a voice that was worn and weary with age. " Did you stand when she walked by"?, he asked. I was confused by his question, and a bit taken off guard by the tone of his voice that sounded almost accusatory. " I don't understand sir ", I answered. "Did you stand when she walked by "? he asked again, staring straight into my eyes. “Who "? I asked him. But he turned away from me, staring again at the tarmac just outside our window. I waited for an answer, but there was not going to be any. Our conversation was over it seemed, and I got up to leave, hearing the call to board that by this time, was welcome as an excuse to get out of an awkward situation. I started walking away, but was troubled and torn by his question. I boarded my plane after clearing the gate, found my seat, and settled into it, looking back at the terminal I had just left. He was there as I had left him, sitting alone facing the tarmac. I watched for several minutes, and in that time I noticed a number of people stop to visit with him, presumably to ask if he was ok, and then walk away, some of them shaking there heads, others just gone from view at a brisk pace. And still he sat, fixated on a plane that was resting about 300 yards away, surrounded by military personnel. As I watched , a small procession of 6 men carried a flag draped coffin away from the plane to a waiting hearse, where they stood after the rear door of the black car had been closed and they offer a salute as the car slowly drove away. I looked back toward the window of the terminal, and instantly my tears nearly blinded me when I saw the old man I had been talking to also offering a salute, but from his wheel chair now parked next to the window. Since our craft had used a rolling stair gantry for passenger access, I got up, and made my way to the door of the plane, and got off. I walked deliberately, heading for the terminal, making my way through the crowds to the old man at the window. I walked up beside him, faced the plane as yet another coffin draped with Old Glory was placed in a waiting hearse, and I slowly raised my hand in salute , allowing my hand to drop only when the hearse rolled out of view around a security fence. I turned slowly to the old man who by now was looking solidly into my soul with eyes of countless memories. “I know her name now sir, and I stood when she walked by ". He was visibly moved, and he said to me in quavering voice, “Thank you sir, for what you did. My greatest wish these days is to stand again for her, but I can't. I gave my legs in ' 43 and my oldest son in '67 to that Lady, so she could keep walking. It hurts when no one cares that she walks by. I missed my flight that day, but my heart and soul found wings to the heavens on the words of a 90 year old man who dared to share a heart full of memories with me and dared to remind me why Old Glory stills waves as the beacon of Hope in a lost world.

 

 

By Robert VanDerslice

HOME DEPOT SCAM

A "heads up" for those of you who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.

 

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.

 

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car
as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's.

You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them  climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

 

I had my wallet stolen September 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th.

 

Also October 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and next Thursday.

So be careful.

 

May you and Your Family enjoy a safe and merry Christmas and may your New Year be fantastic.
And for those of you who do not celebrate Christmas, may your holiday season be pleasurable and safe.
================
Sometimes, I think we forget that we as individuals do not always see things the same. Heaven knows I have been told more then once that a color may be "maroon" and not "red", although, I really don't understand the big deal (yeah, I still think its red, so bite me).
But that said and done, once a year, it is considered traditional to sit aside that one day to seek out Peace on Earth and Good Will to man (please disregard the mugger on the street with a gun pointed at you while the mugger tries to take what little change you have on you - I mean for real, who carries cash now that Waffle House takes plastic?).
But seriously, who couldn't smile upon that adoring little child that the pretty Lady beside you are holding (of course, if your really lucky, your deaf and you can not hear the damn brat having a temper tantrum while the mom thinks that asking the spoiled brat to “please be nice now” is the right way to discipline her child, I mean damn, my Mom would have ripped a limb from the bush in the Mall and took it to me if I was like that, oh wait, that explains the beatings I got at the Mall, never mind - lucky damn brats).
And all of those kind hearted souls who stands there ringing the little bell for a little of your kindness in the form of spare change to aide and assist the helpless no matter how bad the weather gets (have you ever noticed just how annoying that little bell is, I mean sheesh, is the requirement for these people to be tone deaf? God bless them cause I know if I was out there, I would be telling all those rich ass-holes that have to spend $500 to fill up their Sumo-Sized SUV that perhaps they could spare an extra hundred or two if they actually walked next door to their neighbor instead of driving that 45 feet and I would have tossed that bell in the trash within the first 5 minutes of me going out there).

And of course, let us not forget those wonderful carolers who go door to door to spread the holiday cheer (but then again, just hold on a minute, I am 41 years old now and I have never ever heard a damn caroler. Just who the hell came up with that damn myth? Oh wait, I keep forgetting about the “You will be shot for trespassing” sign I keep posted out there in front of the mock cemetery with headstones that read “Here Lies Another Jehovah Witness who couldn’t read”, perhaps that is what keeps them away, oh well, never mind).

And finally, all of that warm Family cheer of celebrating the Holiday season together as one big happy family should year after year (of course, don’t forget the clause in the restraining order that allows you to attend family functions as long as your out of arm reach of everyone – I mean they still act offended for me threatening to shoot them instead of their tires the next time they arrived unannounced – like how was I suppose to know it was Family?).

So folks, may you all have an incredible and safe Christmas Season and a fantastic New Year to come (oh yeah, like it’s going to be great, just means I have to find a new place to live so that the IRS doesn’t catch-up with me again – I think they are still mad cause I tried to get out paying by claiming I was an illegal immigrant -  I mean sheesh, they don’t have to pay taxes, why should I?)

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did."

"Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."



(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?) Who's the perv now? hehehehehe......

Now keep that smile for the rest of the day hahahahaaa
~~~~~~~~~Have a Fantabulous Day~~~~~~~~~~