SirMetro's Blog

What do Husbands do while the wife shops & shops & shops
Did you ever wonder what a husband does while he is in a store waiting on his wife to shop?

Dear Mrs. Shopper,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months... all verified by our surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in House wares!"..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department, and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the Bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME!, PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

.....and; last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Someone was kind enough to share this with me.

---

DO YOU CLOSE THE BLINDS? (From a person who's there, in the midst...)

The other day, my nine-year-old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation. My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window.

He said "Son, stand there and tell me what you see?"

"I see trees and cars and our neighbor's houses." he replied.

"OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard is the United States of America and you are President Bush."

Our son giggled and said "OK."

"Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country" my husband said.

"OK Dad, I'm pretending."

"Now I wan t you to stand there and look out the window and pretend you see Saddam come out of his house with his wife, he has her by the hair and is hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death. Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are screaming and crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids and they are afraid of their father. You see all of this son .. what do you do?"

"Dad?"

"What do you do son?"

"I'd call the police, Dad."

"OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations. They take your call. They listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do then son?"

"Dad.......... but the police are supposed to help!" My son starts to whine.

"They don't want to son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved and that you should stay out of it," my husband says.

"But Dad...he killed her!!" my son exclaims.

"I know he did, but the police tell you to stay out of it. Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you're pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children."

"Daddy...he kills them?"

"Yes son, he does. What do you do?"

"Well, if the police don't want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him." our son says.

"Son, our next door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and help you stop him," my husband says.

"But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can't stop him by myself!!"

"WHAT DO YOU DO SON?" Our son starts to cry. "OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he doe s next son?"

"What Daddy?"

"He walks across the street to the old ladies house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then...he kills her. He turns around and sees you standing in the window and laughs at you. WHAT DO YOU DO?"

"Daddy..."

"WHAT DO YOU DO?" Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers, "I'd close the blinds, Daddy."

My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him. "Why?"

"Because Daddy, the police are supposed to help people who needs them and they won't help. You always say that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won't help either... they won't help me stop him. I'm afraid. I can't do it by myself Daddy. I can't look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and ... do nothing, so I'm just going to close the blinds so I can't see what he's doing and I'm going to pretend that it is not happening."

I start to cry. My husband looks at our nine year old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husband's questions and he says;

"Son."

"Yes, Daddy."

"Open the blinds because that man, he's at your front door. "WHAT DO YOU DO?"

My son looks at his father, anger and defiance in his eyes. He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes, without hesitation he says: "I DEFEND MY FAMILY, DAD!! I'M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER, DAD!!! I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD, I'M GONNA FIGHT HIM!!!!!"

I see a tear roll down my husband's cheek and he grabs our son to his chest and hugs him tight, and says; "It's too late to fight him, he's too strong and he's already at YOUR front door son. You should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife, and his children and the old lady across the way. You have to do what's right, even if you have to do it , before its too late." my husband whispers. THAT scenario I just gave you is WHY we are at war with Iraq. When good men stand by and let evil happen, son, THAT is the greatest evil. All the atrocities in the world won't move them. "YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT! EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!" BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! BE PROUD OF OUR TROOPS! SUPPORT THEM! SUPPORT AMERICA SO THAT IN THE FUTURE OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE TO CLOSE THEIR BLINDS."

This should be printed in every newspaper and posted in every school in America. Of course that won't happen so we'll use the internet If your blinds are closed, do nothing with this email. If they are open, I do not need to tell you what to do.

Steven R Cxxxxxxx, CMSgt


332 ELRS/Vehicle Management Flight

Balad Air Base, Iraq

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of
caution.

"You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience.

"Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the
expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator,
stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a
time.

'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at
once?'"

The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?"

The expert replied,

"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my
breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven."

A Story I received that sort of reminded me of my daily drive. Difference is, I drive 55 miles one way. Hope you folks like.

---

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out the window and gave the woman the finger.

" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:


I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure Ipass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.


That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.


According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so.

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a note in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.
Kennedy opened the note, which appeared to contain a single line of coded message:
370HSSV-0773H.

 

 

Kennedy was baffled, so he E-mailed it to John Kerry.  Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.  No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.  With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help.

 

 

Within a few seconds, the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell Kennedy he is holding the message upside down."

 

 

Well folks, a friend sent this to me and I just could not resist sharing. Oh and if anyone finds it offensive, uhmmm, well the title does forewarn you.

---

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls"

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SUR E you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to t he weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh and remember we all say things we don't really mean, so think before you speak

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work****ail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call anyone in the middle of the night, especially, an ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chili and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need
to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous.I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully
review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive
disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

A Simple Thank You

Last week, while traveling to Chicago on business, I noticed a Marine sergeant traveling with a folded flag, but did not put two and two together. After we boarded our flight, I turned to the sergeant, who'd been invited to sit in First Class (across from me), and inquired if he was heading home.
No, he responded.

Heading out I asked?
No. I'm escorting a soldier home

Going to pick him up?

No. He is with me right now. He was killed in Iraq. I'm taking him home t o his family.

The realization of what he had been asked to do hit me like a punch to the gut. It was an honor for him. He told me that, although he didn't know the soldier, he had delivered the news of his passing to the soldier's family and felt as if he knew them after ;many conversations in so few days. I turned back to him, extended my hand, and said, Thank you. Thank you for doing what you do so my family and I can do what we do.
Upon landing in Chicago the pilot stopped short of the gate and made the following announcement over the intercom.

[ "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to note that we have had the honor of having Sergeant Steeley of the United States Marine Corps join us on this flight. H e is e scorting a fallen comrade back home to his family. I ask that you please remain in your seats when we open the forward door to allow Sergeant Steeley to deplane and receive his fellow soldier. We will then turn off the seat belt sign."
[ Without a sound, all went as requested. I noticed the sergeant saluting the casket as it was brought off the plane, and his action made me realize that I am proud to be an American.

So here's a public Thank You to our military Men and Women for what you do so we can live the way we do.
signed: Stuart Margel -- Washin gton, D.C.

This little link is interesting in the fact that it actually works and I have no clue how.

http://www.guessyournumber.com 

Around the holiday season, I am pretty much known for my ruther "Bah Humbug" attitude toward the whole general process. But this year, I tried to be a bit different. I actually encouraged my wife to get a new (prelit artificial) tree (artificial because she is alergic to the real tree). I even put out yard decorations for the first time in a very long time. But what struck me to post this comment was this. One of the yard decorations is an inflatable snowman that holds a banner. Now in the box came 3 different banners. One was "Season's Greetings", another was "Happy Holidays" and yet another was "Merry Christmas". I find this odd considering the clamor being made across the country regarding the use of Season's Greetings that the commercial stores (aka Walmart) are using. It seems to me, considering how there are multiple religons, "Happy Holidays" pretty much covered all the bases thru New Year. So what's all the grief about? Perhaps it's just me, but it just seems that if folks spent a bit more time concentrating on teaching the appropiate moral behavior to their children instead of trying to dictate to me what greeting is appropiate for the holidays, perhaps we would actually be able to reduce the violence we see amongst the younger (under 18) kids of today. Seems folks love to talk about tolerance for other viewpoints, but I seldom see it actually practiced.

Perhaps it's just me, and who knows, I may even be wrong. But I would like to think that when I tell someone "Happy Holidays", I am respecting that individual's right to enjoy the current season in a manner that they find is appropiate for themselves.

Happy Holidays to you all

My wife went to FL over the weekend to visit with her family she has there. During her stay, one of her cousins told her about their Son who is a Chef out in California (not real sure of exact location).

Anyway, he had this one really nice Lady that patronized his restaurant weekly and to the point he knew her very well and considered her a good friend. One day, she was all excited in that her Father was coming to town to visit with her. Now, the funny part is, she didn't tell him who her Father is. So the day her Father came to town, imagine the look upon his face when it turned out that her Father was Ted Turner.

To show his respect and gratitude to haveing Ted Turner there as a guest, he went over to him and politely told Mr. Turner that the check was on the House. Mr. Turner looked up at him and said to him in his southern drawl  "Son, I have more money then I will ever know what to do with and if you ever want to have anything, you have got to stop giving it away. I don't even give away 30 minutes of my time. And I would be insulted if you did not charge me". Mr. Turner paid his check, with tip, just like any other patron.

Anyway, I just thought this was too cool not to share. And besides, since his divorce, I like Mr. Turner even more now. And in regards to his previous ex...oh well...guess love (or lust) really is blind.

Evening  |  Midday  |     ALL
a - b - c  |  a - b - c  |  a - b - c
5 - 4 - 1  |  1 - 7 - 6  |  1 - 4 - 6<===HOT (Row 1 of my 3x4 Grid)
7 - 2 - 8  |  6 - 0 - 7  |  7 - 7 - 2<---Generally ignored
8 - 5 - 2  |  3 - 5 - 9  |  5 - 5 - 9<---Generally ignored
9 - 1 - 0  |  7 - 8 - 2  |  6 - 2 - 1<---Generally ignored
2 - 0 - 6  |  5 - 3 - 5  |  8 - 0 - 7<===Due (Row 2 of my 3x4 Grid)
1 - 6 - 5  |  2 - 9 - 0  |  2 - 8 - 8<===Due (Row 3 of my 3x4 Grid)
4 - 3 - 4  |  9 - 6 - 4  |  9 - 1 - 5<---Generally ignored
3 - 7 - 7  |  0 - 4 - 3  |  3 - 6 - 0<---Generally ignored
6 - 8 - 9  |  8 - 2 - 8  |  4 - 9 - 3<---Generally ignored
0 - 9 - 3  |  4 - 1 - 1  |  0 - 3 - 4<===COLD (Row 4 of my 3x4 Grid)

k...the way this grid works is this.
a, b & c represents the position of how each ball has fell in the past.
The numbers are sorted based on 2 conditions, most popular at the top down to the least popular at the bottom for the past 28 (varies between 28 to 32) games with a secondary sort based on 120 games (to establish due numbers should multiple counts be the same).

Now, I also create another sort, similiar in nature, but I use a sort key based on 12 months and ALL games ever hit.

Evening  |  Midday  |     ALL
a - b - c  |  a - b - c  |  a - b - c
9 - 4 - 8  |  1 - 7 - 6  |  8 - 7 - 6<===HOT (Row 1 of my 3x4 Grid)
5 - 2 - 6  |  8 - 9 - 7  |  1 - 9 - 8<---Generally ignored
8 - 5 - 3  |  7 - 0 - 4  |  9 - 4 - 4<---Generally ignored
4 - 1 - 4  |  4 - 3 - 5  |  5 - 0 - 7<---Generally ignored
7 - 7 - 1  |  6 - 6 - 0  |  4 - 5 - 0<===Due (Row 2 of my 3x4 Grid)
2 - 0 - 0  |  5 - 1 - 8  |  7 - 1 - 3<===Due (Row 3 of my 3x4 Grid)
1 - 9 - 7  |  2 - 8 - 2  |  2 - 2 - 2<---Generally ignored
0 - 3 - 2  |  3 - 4 - 9  |  6 - 3 - 1<---Generally ignored
6 - 6 - 5  |  9 - 5 - 1  |  0 - 6 - 5<---Generally ignored
3 - 8 - 9  |  0 - 2 - 3  |  3 - 8 - 9<===COLD (Row 4 of my 3x4 Grid)

Now, with the secondary sort pattern, I start doing a comparision values between the two differently sorted patterns. Although it helps some with Cash 3, it seems to be more successfull with Cash 4.
The Comparision method for Cash 3 that seems to work the best is to compare each Column of the Evening, Midday and ALL and if there is at least 1 match, reflect those numbers. Currently, I only do this for the main Table, I do not do this for the secondary table. The result of the comparision is this table
a - b - c
1 - 4 - 6
7 - x - x
x - 5 - 9
x - 0 - x
2 - x - x
9 - x - 4
3 - x - x
0 - x - x
Where there is an x, replace it with a number from below or above.
The above grid could create the following (only a few listed, not all):
146 - 149 - 144 - 156 - 156 - 154 - 106 - 109 - 104 and repeat the process for each number down the column. It is still a lot of numbers, but it does yield results.

Side note: I have found this to be effective to finding the winning Cash 3 & Cash 4 numbers. It is an easy system to maintain and follow, but only works with a 2 game system. States with a single game will not be able to create the additional tables.

Good luck to any who can make $$$ with the numbers below.

600 - 030 - 630
601 - 031 - 631
602 - 032 - 632
603 - 033 - 633
604 - 034 - 634
605 - 035 - 635
606 - 036 - 636
607 - 037 - 637
608 - 038 - 638
609 - 039 - 639

720 - 210 - 710
721 - 211 - 711
722 - 212 - 712
723 - 213 - 713
724 - 214 - 714
725 - 215 - 715
726 - 216 - 716
727 - 217 - 717
728 - 218 - 718
729 - 219 - 719