Coin Toss's Blog

Posted on Tuesday, July 12th, 2011
By Frank Lake

PIMA COUNTY, AZ  – The U.S. Department of Interior has released a Chupacabra into Arizona in an attempt to get the State to repeal their new immigration law.

After the U.S. Justice Department filed suit Tuesday against Arizona, Secretary of the Interior, Ken Salazar had the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service release the Chupacabra or “goat sucker”  into Saguaro National Park in Pima County.  Salazar, acting on orders from President Obama,  said,  “We are encouraging Arizonans to repeal their immigration law before it goes into affect on July 29th, or we will be forced to release more Chupacabras into Arizona towns, cities and Home Depot parking lots.”

Upon learning of the release of the creature into her state, Arizona Governor Jan Brewer was defiant,  “Bring it on! We’ve dealt with aliens, monsters and mutants in Arizona for the last fifty years – especially since Don Imus moved into the state. Arizonans don’t scare easy. The feds can send in a Bigfoot Army if they want, we will take them on.  And we will win!”

White House Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs, told Wolf Blitzer at CNN, that the U.S. government will use “any means necessary” to get the people of Arizona to comply with U.S. Immigration laws.  When Major Garrett of Fox News pointed out that Arizona seems to be in full compliance with existing federal immigration laws, Gibbs shouted “Chupacabra! Chupacabra! Chupacabra!”

There is a good deal of mystery surrounding the Chupacabra.  Some believe the Chupacabra (much like Immigration Reform) is a myth – something that never has or never will exist.  Some witnesses believe the Chupacabra to be a small half-alien, half-dinosaur, others think he is a tailless vampire with quills running down its back and still others believe him to be a panther like creature with a long snake-like tongue.

State authorities advise Arizona residents to avoid making any contact with the Chupacabra.   Federal authorities, on the other hand, advise Arizonans to approach and pet the Chupacabra.

In related news, Governor Jan Brewer found a horse’s head in her bed when she returned home on Tuesday night.  Authorities have not determined who placed the head in the Governor’s mansion, though one eyewitness said he saw White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, riding a donkey nearby.

http://weeklyworldnews.com/politics/18691/obama-releases-chupacabra-into-arizona/

ALIEN MONKEY

Posted on Saturday, July 23rd, 2011
By Frank Lake

GEZHAI, CHINA – An alien monkey has taken control of a small village in China.

Chinese villagers first feared the alien monkey that stepped out of a blue alien spaceship (before it disappeared).

But the alien monkey, that Extraterrestrial experts believe is from Planet Zeeba, spoke fluent Mandarin and told the villagers that he had come down to help the Villagers.

Locals first panicked when Mao Xiping, a housewife from the village of Gezhai, in Henan province, central China, found the scraggy simian stealing cucumbers from her flat.

She thought it was a harmless rabbit, until she noticed it had an ‘alien face’ and her neighbors agreed it was like nothing they had ever seen before.

The alien monkey then spoke to Mrs. Mao and said that he had come in peace.  The alien, nicknamed Yao Bo by villagers, said he wanted to help the Villagers restore their farms to health.  The town had been devastated by a drought in the past few months.

A surly neighbor, Bing Zong, took snatched the alien monkey and caged in a washing basket and demanded that officers place it under arrest.

But Mrs. Mao came to rescue and brought Ling Bo home

Experts were last night examining the alien monkey to make sure he was in full alien health.  John Malley, an alien expert on the U.N. Panel of Extraterrestrials, flew to China and confirmed that the alien monkey was in full health and that he was, indeed, from Planet Zeeba.

Mrs Mao, who fears rabbits more than aliens, said: ‘At first I thought it was a rabbit, and was scared out of my mind.  But when I learned it was an alien, I was happy.”

Ling Bo was elected mayor of Gezhai last night.

http://weeklyworldnews.com/headlines/35988/alien-monkey/

 
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Across the country several states are enjoying budget surpluses while the federal government faces a historic fiscal nightmare. Indiana, Ohio, Maine and South Carolina are among the states that ended their fiscal years in the black. Higher than expected tax revenue and significant spending cuts are the reason behind these success stories. It may be mere coincidence that all the aforementioned states -- and several others that also met their numbers -- have Republican governors and/or legislatures, but worth a mention.

The Camel's Nose Is Officially In the Tent in Michigan

An easy guide to keeping political news in perspective....

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but
don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their
statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the
country, if they could find the time -- and if they didn't have to leave
Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on
the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the
country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while
intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but
need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there
is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that
they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are
handicapped, minority, feminist, atheist dwarfs who also happen to be
illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that
they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery
store.

12. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and
need something to wrap it in.

Twins say one last goodbye to Harmon Killebrew

By JON KRAWCZYNSKI, AP Sports Writer May 26, 11:08 pm EDT

MINNEAPOLIS (AP)—For 14 seasons, Harmon Killebrew was the cleanup hitter for the Minnesota Twins, the ferocious slugger who used his incredible strength to knock baseballs out of the park.

At a memorial service on Thursday night for the Hall of Famer, who died last week at the age of 74 after a bout with esophageal cancer, Killebrew’s shy, quiet wife, Nita, exhibited an entirely different, and perhaps even more impressive, kind of strength.

After heavy hitters like Rod Carew, Paul Molitor and Justin Morneau(notes) set the table with touching remarks, Nita took over the cleanup duties, delivering a powerful, tear-jerking thank you to about 4,000 fans, 45 relatives and dozens of former teammates and current Twins at Target Field.

“Thank you for loving my husband,” said Nita, who detailed her husband’s previous health problems that nearly claimed his life 20 years ago. “Thank you for healing his heart and his soul. Thank you for sharing him with me and giving so much to him so he had so much to give back to all of us.

“His body is at rest at his home in Payette. His soul is at peace in that big ballpark in the sky. But his heart will always be in Minnesota here with you.”

Killebrew died on May 17, just a few days after issuing an incredible public statement acknowledging that he had lost his battle with cancer and was entering hospice care. He hit 573 home runs in his career, but was remembered as much for his gentlemanly nature off of the baseball diamond on Thursday night.

“Harmon had I don’t know how many home runs,” former home run king Hank Aaron said. “In his case, really, in all fairness to him, he was No. 1 really. He hit 1,000 home runs because he did so many great things off the field. That’s what counts, it’s not how you play the game, it’s how you play it afterward.”

Commissioner Bud Selig, Jim Kaat and Jim “Mudcat” Grant were among the dignitaries who made the trip to pay tribute to one of the most beloved players in Twins history, with Grant singing a stirring rendition of “What A Wonderful World.”

“Harmon was as tough and feared a competitor on the field as the game has ever known. … He was the dominant slugger of the 1960s,” Selig said. “In this region of the country, Harmon Killebrew was the face of baseball and the game could not have been blessed with a better ambassador.

“Yet we all know the irony of his nickname, ‘The Killer,’ because as a human being he was just the opposite.”

Michael Cuddyer(notes) and Morneau both spoke of Killebrew the mentor, telling funny stories about being chastised for their sloppy autographs early in their careers.

“Now write it so I can read it,” Morneau remembered Killebrew telling him during their first meeting. “After a few hundred tries, he finally gave me the OK.”

And Carew spoke of visiting Killebrew, who called Carew “Junior,” in his final days. Carew called Killebrew “Charlie.”

“No matter how many players pass through the Twins organization, there will only be one face of this organization and that’s Harmon Killebrew,” Carew said through tears. “Charlie, I know that you’ve taken a safe voyage. I love you, and I’ll see you one day.”

About an hour into the evening, emcee Dick Bremer spoke about Killebrew’s famous 520-foot home run at the old Metropolitan Stadium in 1967.

The camera then panned up to a seat at the top of the Target Field outfield, 520 feet from home plate, to illustrate just how far Killebrew’s ball traveled on that day.

Sitting in the seat, as far as you can possibly get from home plate, was a beaming Jim Thome(notes), who passed Killebrew on the career home runs list last season. Thome waved the famous No. 3 jersey that Killebrew wore that season.

Then Nita stepped to the plate and hit one out of the stadium.

She spoke of Harmon teasing her for always being the one in the back of the room, shying away from the limelight that always followed her husband.

“Standing before a public crowd is certainly not my forte, but I promised Harmon I would do this,” she said. “Today, sweetheart, I wanna make you proud and just maybe, just maybe, you will turn to Kirby Puckett and say, ‘Hey Puck, what do you know, maybe she is coachable after all.”

She finished her address by asking everyone in the ballpark to “Stand Up To Cancer,” a show of support for the charitable organization dedicated to raising funds for cancer research.

Everyone did, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

“He was a gentleman to the end,” Nita said. “Always composed, never complaining. If only you could have seen what I was blessed to have seen. … I was truly honored to be his caregiver. He left me inspired, awed, amazed and humbled.”
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=ap-killebrewmemorial

This is fron an article on Yahoo sports about Jose Posada taking himself out of a game when he was moved to ninth in the batting order Saturadys night, May 14.

A person familiar with the discussion between Posada and the team told The Associated Press that he “refused” to play. The person spoke on condition of anonymity because the situation was still not settled.

The person said the Yankees have been in contact with the commissioner’s office about possible recourse. The Yankees could fine Posada one day’s pay— that would be $71,978 on his $13.1 million salary. If a player declines to play two days in a row, he could be put on the restricted list.

Money is a “way of keeping score in life,” says T. Boone Pickens. But
that is just for those who like playing the game. The real goal is to
live with grace and dignity. You can do that with a small amount of
money...or not do it with a fortune. 
- Bill Bonner, financial journalist

"Don't give neurotic people a reward. When you permit them to
upset you, you are giving them a reward."
-Vernon Howard

PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED

1. King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who
I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

2. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were
avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know For whom the Tells bowled.

3. A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor!
I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

4. Back in the 1800's the Tate's Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of
the expression -- He who has a Tate's is lost!

5. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the
toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted
as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

6. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how
the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

7. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and
found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted
on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

8. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deerskin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This
just goes to prove that... The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal
to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. (Some of you
may need help with this one.)

9. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas."

10. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with:
Transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

THE SPARROW'S COMPLAINT

A sparrow complained to Mother Nature, 'You gave beautiful colors
to the pea<snip> and a lovely song to the nightingale, but I am plain
and unnoticed. Why was I made to suffer?'

'You were not,' stated Mother Nature. 'You suffer because you make
the same foolish mistake as human beings. You compare. Be yourself,
for in that there is no comparison and no pain.'

Comparison operates on the level of conditioned thought, so by
transcending thought we never compare and never suffer.

- Vernon Howard

Vernon Howard's
                         SECRETS OF LIFE (R)

**********************************************************************


"THE ARGUER There was once a man who was called the Arguer.
He argued over everything, just to give himself the false
thrill of emotional electricity. Taken over by a violent
spirit, he argued to convince himself, not others. His
compulsive quarreling tore him down and wore him out. One
day he heard a short message that freed him from his tormenting
need to fight. He heard, "Just don't argue. Nothing bad will
happen to you." He saw it was true. What a revelation!"

                     SOLVED The Mystery of Life, p. 195

From New Life Foundation,

anewlife.org