ochoop17's Blog

What kind of place should you never take a dog?

There's this couple and they've just been married. The man says to the wife, "I'm go'in hunting."

She says, "Oh no your not, we are married now."

The husband says to himself, "I've got to figure out a way to go hunting." So, he goes out and buys his wife all this hunting equipment and gives it to his wife, so they can go hunting together.

They finally go one weekend and the hunter puts his wife in the deer-stand and says, "Only shoot when you see a deer."

She replies, "OK." So the hunter goes off to his stand and is hoping that the wife doesn't accidentally shoot herself. Suddenly, he hears a gun shot and quickly runs to find his wife.

He looks up in the deer stand and does not see her, so he looks around and sees his wife poised and waiting to shoot this poor man who is scared out of his mind. The hunter says, "Honey, what are you doing?"

The man says, "Look mister, if she says it is her deer then it is, just let me take my saddle off of it first."

A monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree. Who will get the banana first, the monkey, the squirrel, or the bird?

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

>>> Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC, and those crooks deducted $95.00 in taxes.

How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word?

The first is needed to make quotes you see,
And it often sticks up when it's time for noon tea.

The second's biggest distinction is found
Bearing the symbol of love that is bound.

The third should be biggest but that can depend,
Never standing alone or it may offend.

The fourth is oft used when making a selection
Or if you should need a gun for protection.

The fifth is the fattest and oddest by far,
And can sometimes be found in a wrestling war.

What are they?

A man was driving to the hospital, with his wife who was pregnant with twins, when his car went out of control and crashed.

Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a high school dropout which was never taken seriously, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, “Don’t worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.”

The husband was thinking to himself, “Oh no, what has he done now?” and asked with some trepidation, “Well, bro, what did you name them?”
His brother replied, “I named the little girl Denise.”
The husband, relieved, said, “That’s a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?”

The brother winked and replied, “Denephew.”

What always ends everything?

Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving.

The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking."

The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks.

"No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Then what on earth are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?"

"We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."

What is the word or phrase?
R | E | A | D

An old man visited his doctor for help with a problem.
"Doc, I don't know what's wrong, but I fart all the time. It's weird because they are silent and odorless, but they keep coming out. In fact, I've farted about 6 times just sitting here. What can I do?"
The doctor replied, "Here, take one of these pills every morning and then come see me in a week."

A week later, the old man came back to the doctor and he was upset. "Doc, those pills didn't help - they made it worse! I'm still farting, but now they stink something fierce!"
The doctor replied, "Calm down, sir. Now that we've cleared your sinuses, we can work on your hearing."

When i first arrive I bring joy to peoples eyes, once you lose me people seem to never smile the same again

Three old maids die and arrive in heaven at the same time.
   When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. 
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes
St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.  With him is another extremely ugly
man.  He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first
woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all
eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
... very tall, dark hair, and muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word and walks away.
 
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you
for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

What goes into the water black and comes out red?