ochoop17's Blog

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school.

He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town.

He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes.

All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy.

What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

As a whole I am both safe and secure. Behead me and I become a place of meeting. Behead me again and I am the partner of ready. Restore me and I become the domain of beasts. What am I?

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic

A little girl is serving her father tea while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother turns to the father and says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I?

The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

What is always coming but never arrives?

Q. What’s the difference between a flying pig and a politician?
A. The letter F.

What month do soldiers hate?

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

I’m teary-eyed but never cry,
silver-tongued, but never lie.
double-winged, but never fly,
air-cooled, but never dry.

What am I?

The Idiot vs. The Genius
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000."
The idiot says, "Okay."
The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?"
The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"
The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"
The idiot hands over $5.

My voice is tender, my waist is slender and I'm often invited to play. Yet wherever I go I must take my bow or else I have nothing to say. What am I?

A book never written: “A Guide to Fishing” by Rod N. Reel.