ochoop17's Blog

The first is needed to make quotes you see,
And it often sticks up when it's time for noon tea.

The second's biggest distinction is found
Bearing the symbol of love that is bound.

The third should be biggest but that can depend,
Never standing alone or it may offend.

The fourth is oft used when making a selection
Or if you should need a gun for protection.

The fifth is the fattest and oddest by far,
And can sometimes be found in a wrestling war.

What are they?

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. "Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want." So here I am.

What does December have that other months don’t have?

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

There are three men in a boat with four cigarettes but no matches. How do they manage to smoke?

Several years before the Gulf War, a female journalist did a story on gender roles in Kuwait. She noted that there it was customary for women to walk 10 feet behind their husbands. After the war, she returned to Kuwait and was pleased to observe that now the men walked 10 feet behind their wives.

She approached a woman at the airport and asked, "What enabled Kuwaiti women to achieve this role reversal?"

The Kuwaiti woman replied, "Land mines."

What is it that when you take away the whole
you still have some left over?

My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she replied.

So I said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes...'

So then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's when the fight started...

If you look at the number on my face you won't find thirteen anyplace

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. 
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.   
  The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had   
  moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. 

Holding hands they walked  back to their old school. 
I t was not locked, so  they entered, and found the old desk   
  they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.' 

On their way back ho me , a bag of money fell out of   
  an armored car,  practically landing at their feet. 
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure   
  what to do with it, they took it home.   
  There, she counted the money:     
fifty-thousand dollars!   

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'   

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'   

  She  put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood   
  looking for the money and knocked on the door. 

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag   
  that  fell out of an armored car yesterday?' 
   
Sally said, 'No.'   

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'   

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.' 

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.   

One says:  'Tell us the story from the beginning'   

Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..'

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.' 

With body and head both seeking an eye
It has some plumage and able to fly.
Capable of harm, a foe of the prey
Giving direction and showing the way.

Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a pistol, and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"

The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. One guy opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.

The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."

There are 2 ducks in front of 2 other ducks.
There are 2 ducks behind 2 other ducks.
There are 2 ducks beside 2 other ducks.
How many ducks are there?

If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.