ochoop17's Blog

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!"

 

"What happened?", asked the friend.

 

"My wife found out."

Who played Mumbles in the 1990 film "Dick Tracy ?

They come at night without being called and are lost in the day without being stolen.

burglar got into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
       
       He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
       
       This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.
       
       He asked, "Did you say that?"
       
       The parrot admitted that it had. "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all."
       
       The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"
       
       "Moses."
       
       "Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
       
       The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

The year ___ ,Convicted murderer ______ became the first person to be executed in the electric chair.

Hi,

My inbox has been flooded with emails spreading crazy rumors about health reform so I wanted to share some facts from AARP about what's really going on. Please join me in forwarding these facts to everyone you know. Print them out and pass them around at your social gatherings and other places where people are discussing the issues of the day.

FACT #1: Medicare will not be ended, and no benefits or services will be cut.

Your services will not be ended, nor will your benefits be cut. AARP's position on this could not be clearer. And we have sent this message loud and clear to Congress. While the current proposals include savings in Medicare by cutting out fraud, abuse, waste, and inefficiency, we're standing up and making sure benefits for Medicare recipients are not only fully protected, but are improved.¹

FACT #2: No legislation currently in Congress would mandate the rationing of care. Period.

Our staff has read all of the legislation circulating in Congress and there are no provisions in these bills that would ration care for our members. None. If any ever did, we would vigorously fight to stop that legislation.²

FACT #3: There is no provision of any piece of legislation that would promote euthanasia of any kind.

The rumors out there are flat out lies. Right now Medicare does not cover counseling for end-of-life care. The portion of the bill in question would simply provide coverage for optional end-of-life consultations with doctors, so that the patient can be aware of all of the treatment options on the table. It is not mandatory and it has nothing to do with euthanasia.³

FACT #4: We have not endorsed President Obama's plan.

In fact, we haven't endorsed any plan. We are supporting reform of our health care system, something that AARP has pushed for many years. We're working closely with Republican and Democratic members of Congress to lower health care costs and to ensure quality affordable coverage for older Americans – and we want reform legislation passed and signed by the president this year.⁴

So what is AARP fighting for in health reform?

1. Stopping insurance companies from charging older Americans unaffordable premiums because of their age.
2. Ending the practice of excluding people from insurance because of pre-existing conditions.
3. Holding down health costs and making insurance coverage more affordable for all Americans.
4. Making prescription drugs more affordable by narrowing the Medicare doughnut hole, bringing generics to market faster, and allowing Medicare to negotiate better drug prices.

Find out more and take action at HealthActionNow.org.

What has thirteen hearts but no body and no soul?

 

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said: "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." 

 

The old man, feeling a bit obliged, leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said: "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man, again feeling obligated, reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated: "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." 

 

This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked: "Was it something I said? Where are you going?"

 

The old man looked at her and replied: "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

Who shot & killed Wild Bill Hickok ?

Question:  You are a bus driver. At the first stop of the day, eight people get on board. At the second stop, four get off, and eleven get on. At the third stop, two get off, and six get on. At the fourth stop, thirteen get off, and one gets on. At the fifth stop, five get off, and three get on. At the sixth stop, three get off, and two get on. What color are the bus driver’s eyes?

Doing too much

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.

"I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, “You've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."

As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.

"I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."

"That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"

"I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.

At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

"I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"

"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

How old is " Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling ?

Why did the baseball player go into the cave?

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog.

At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the a--."

What was the original name of Walt Disney's Goofy ?