ochoop17's Blog

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well, that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, “Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”A New York Lawyer

If there are three cups of sugar and you take one away, how many do you have?

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'

The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'

The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!

Why was the picture sent to jail?

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating
lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get
corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump
off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a
bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef
and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped
to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd
known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I
never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

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are you ready for it....................

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worth the wait ...........................

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here it comes ................................

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"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch."

what is in front of man and in the center of woman?

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!"

Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during
the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during
worship.

Halftime - The period between Sunday School and worship
when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently
do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or
water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that
should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the
sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children
and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back
on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the
congregation if the preacher goes "overtime".

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to
any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said
during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation
not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

Blade to blade I always win,
My foe laid low and even.
Yard by yard through thick and thin,
I'm busiest in season.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Four men are in a boat and fall in the water. Not a single man gets wet. How is this possible?

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

I was not born, but I am here.
I have no name, but I am given many.
I was made by science and life.

Who am I

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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.