ochoop17's Blog

 Right side up or upside down

                         I look the same if I don't drown.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104? " the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure. "

What time of day, when written in a capital letters, is the same forwards, backwards and upside down?

 Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

Take away my first letter; take away my second letter; take away all my letters, and I would remain the same. What am I?

I got in a fight with my wife last night and it was totally my fault.

She asked me what was on the TV and I said: dust.

Didn't go too well after that.

Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. 

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can  forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii,  but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!  Think of the logistics of that!  How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!!  No, think of another wish."

The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said,  "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.  So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,"  know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

How can you tell that a vampire likes baseball?

1.)Sag, You're it
2.)Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
3.)20 questions shouted into your good ear
4.)Kick the bucket
5.)Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6.)Doc Goose
7.)Simon says something incoherent
8.)Hide and go pee
9.)Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10.)Musical recliners

You answer me, although I never ask you questions. What am I?

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man,” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

Why is the letter "A" like noon?

Husband: Honey, do u smell that?
Wife: No.
Husband: Yeah, me neither, start cooking.

A hiker went without sleep for seven days and wasn't tired. How come?