ochoop17's Blog

Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.

First Tracey threw away the outside.Then she cooked the inside.Then she eat the outside and threw away the inside.What did she eat?

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.”

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a labrador retriever sitting there.

You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger, so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff!”

I am all about, but cannot be seen,
I can be captured, but cannot be held,
I have no throat, but am often heard.

An older Woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and asks the bartender for a
scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she
says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In
fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like
to buy you a drink too."

The old woman says, "Thank you.

Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water.

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy
you one too.

The old women says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch
with two drops of water."

"Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold
your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

He who has it doesn't tell it. He who takes it doesn't know it. He who knows it doesn't want it. What is it?

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

When is 99 more than 100?

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!

A hundred feet in the air, but it's back is on the ground. What is it?

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in my car's glove compartment.”

It's been around for millions of years, but it's no more than a month old. What is it?

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

For some I go fast
for others I'm slow.
To most people, I'm an obsession
relying on me is a well practiced lesson.
What am I?

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of
the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."