ochoop17's Blog

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

Take away my first letter; take away my second letter; take away all my letters, and I would remain the same. What am I?

A fellow’s wife went missing and being that everyone knew that he and his wife were in a big fight he was accused of murdering her and disposing of the body. When witness after witness came to the stand testifying to all sorts of horrible threats that the accused threatened his wife and things were looking quite dim for the accused the man’s lawyer got up to the stand. “Ladies and Gentleman of the jury I have something quite exciting to tell you, if you would all please direct your attention towards the door behind me on my left you will see the supposedly dead women walk in on her own two feet.” There was a loud murmuring in the courtroom as all eyes turned towards the door. “Ladies and Gentleman” said the lawyer after a few seconds of anxious waiting, “To be honest with you, Nobody is going to be walking through the door, however from the fact that your eyes all turned towards the door it is quite obvious that you are not sure beyond the shadow of a doubt about my client’s guilt.” To the lawyer’s great surprise, the jury decided that the man was guilty. “But how could you say that he is guilty?  Didn’t I prove it to you?” Questioned the lawyer. “It is true that we all turned towards the door,” one old lady explained, “but there was person who didn’t.” “Whose that?” Questioned the indignant lawyer. “Your client.” Came the reply.

The numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 must be put in the square below, replacing the "x" in such a way that the sums of the numbers in each row, column, and diagonal are equal. How should the numbers be arranged in the square?

 

X	X	X
X	X	X
X	X	X

Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car.

Why should you always carry a watch when crossing a desert?

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

• There were 99 people on a boat, and then it turned over. How many were left?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi's.

How can you add eight 8s to get the number 1,000 using only addition?

Two drunks are making conversation at the bar:
-Tell me, how does your wife reacts when you come home drunk?
- I'm not married!
- And why are you drinking?

Why did the man put the clock in the safe?

I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.

What is more useful when it is broken?

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.