ochoop17's Blog

1 "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
2 "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands."
3 "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
4 "Amen"
5 "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
6 "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7 "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress."
8 "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
9 "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
10

"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

When is your mind like a rumpled bed?

"Times were hard in Russia after the cold war, but there was determined young man who wanted to buy a new car. He saved for many years until he had just the right amount. Immediately, he went to the car dealer and said, 'I want to buy a new car!' 'That's good,' replied the car dealer. We will get a car for you soon. Come back here in eight years and three months ... we'll have your car.' The man replied, 'Will that be morning or afternoon?' The car dealer was surprised. 'Does it really matter?' he asked. 'Yes,' the man said, 'it really matters. The plumber promised me that he would come that day too.'"

Riddle me! riddle me! What is that: Over your head and under your hat?

Three Men Are Standing At The Pearly Gates St. Peter tells them, “As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates.”

 

“How is that supposed to be funny?” one guy asks.

“Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to travel that distance, but the quality of your vehicle is based upon how faithful you were to your spouse.”

Knowing they can’t argue and that God obviously knows all, the men begin confessing their infidelity. “I admit I screwed around behind my wife’s back, but I broke it off with the girl before my wife found out.” One man admits.

“Very well,” St. Peter responds and gives him a standard bicycle. The guy shrugs and feels a little better confessing.

The second man says with a grin, “I’ve never actually cheated on my wife.” St. Peter raises a skeptical brow. “Okay… There was one time, but it was technically before we were married! I was drunk and I didn’t know what I was doing but I’ve never been unfaithful after that!”

With a heavy sigh St. Peter grants the second man a car–but in terrible condition.

The third man says proudly, “I’ve never been unfaithful. Never.”

The other two stare at the third in disbelief.

“No, he’s right.” St. Peter confirms. “He’s been faithful the whole time. In fact he lost his virginity to his wife.” The other two men gape in jealous amazement as the third man is granted a brand new sports car.

The third man obviously can make it down the long, glittering highway toward the Kingdom of Heaven faster than the other two. However, the first man on the bicycle finds the third man pulled over not too far down the road. Perplexed, he rides to the sports car and finds the man sobbing into his steering wheel.

“What’s wrong, wise-guy, is this Italian muscle too much for you?” he gloats.

“No…” the third man tries to gain composure. “It’s not that… The car is beautiful!”

“Then what’s your problem?”

“I just passed my wife…. and she was on roller-skates.”

A cloud was my mother the wind is my father my son is the cool stream and my daughter is the fruit of the land. A rainbow is my bed the earth my final resting place and I"m the torment of man."

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"

How can you clasp someone's hands together in such a manner that they cannot leave the room without unclasping them?

Farmer John has three sons. One day his oldest comes to him and pleads with him that now that he is graduating from school he would really like to get a car.
His father says, "Son, come with me!" He takes him to the barn and points to the farm tractor and says, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car."
The boy was not too happy but he understood and said, "Ok, Dad." A week later his second son, (10 yr. old), approaches him wanting a new two wheel bike.
Well, he gets the same excuse "....as soon as the tractor is paid for...."
Shortly after that his youngest is bugging him for a tricycle. Again, old dad gives him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.
While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with the whole thing, sees the rooster mating with one of the hens, and promptly goes over and kicks the rooster off the hens back, mumbling to himself. His dad standing near by says, "Son, why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to you to deserve that."
The little boy says "Hey, nobody rides anything around here until that <snip> tractor is paid off!!!"

Billy was born on December 28th , yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.

One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

When Florence and Willie finished playing darts, they proudly announced that their 3-digit scores added up to exactly 800 points. Furthermore, each of their scores shared the same 3 digits, without any repeating digits.

What were their two scores?

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine. 

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Pulling on a rope, climbing a ladder.
?Even though not there, it doesn't matter.?
Found inside a box that doesn't exist.
?Drawing quite a crowd and hard to resist.

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."