ochoop17's Blog

Dec. 31,1759: Arthur _____founded his famous brewery at  __________ in Dublin.

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing.  As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

Three lives have I. Gentle enough to soothe the skin. Light enough to caress the sky. Hard enough to crack rocks. What am I?

Andrew Johnson was the 17th or 18th President of United States ?

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and  everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she  replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

What starts with "P" and ends with "E" and has more than 1000 letters?

Dec. 25,----: Gen. George Washington and his troops crossed the ____ ____ for a surprise attack against Hessian forces at _______, NJ.

One night, while tending bar, the bartender notices this hideous looking fella at the far end of the bar with several hot women around him. Finally, the bartender's curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks down to where the ugly man is. The bartender says "Please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've ever seen. In fact, you're quite ugly. Now, normally, I would think these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying you drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir, what is it about you that these women are so crazy about?" The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said "I haven't the foggiest idea."

What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

                                                         

Dec. 23, 18--: The poem "________________" was published anonymously in the Troy (N. Y.) Sentinel; the verse, more popularly known as " Twas the Night  Before Christmas," was later attributed to _____ ______.

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that!"

When can you eat soap?

Dec.20,19--: The United States launched _____________,sending troops in Panama to topple the government of Gen. ______ _____.

Religious Dog

A fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet so they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity.

They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about 'normal' tricks.

"Well," they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called out to the dog, and told him "Heel!"

Quick as a flash, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head...

What do you get if you cross a mummy with a CD?