emilyg's Blog

  An elderly woman was admitted to the hospital with chest pain.  She refused to give the name of her primary care physician.

"Jesus Christ is the only doctor I'll ever need,"  she said.

Replied the frustrated administrator, "Yes, but does he have priviledges at this hospital?"

  Bread with  Viagra as an added indgredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name "Pepperidge Firm."

  Don't let emotions immobilize you.  View them as choices.

  Conflict is a violation of harmony.  If you participate in it, you're part of the problem, not the solution.

  Anything you must have comes to own you.  Ironically, when you release it, you start getting more of it.

  Give for the sake of giving, and keep it circulating as it flows back.

A new study reveals an alarming statistic:  senior citizens are the biggest carriers of AIDS:

Hearing aids

seeings aids

chewing aids

band aids

rolaids

walking aids

medicaids

  You're totally free when you're able to stop thinking about yourself and your self-importance.

  You can spend the rest of your life beginning right now, worrying about the future- and no amount of your worry will change a thing.

  It's easy to love some people.  The true test is to love someone who's hard to love.  Send all your enemies love.

  You can never fail in anything you try to do.  You can only produce certain results.

1.  Never take beer to a job interview.

2.  It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

3.  Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.

4.  While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

5.  Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

6.  Be aggresive.  Let her know you're interested:  "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall."

7.  Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

8.  It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.

9.  Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

10. Do not burn rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

It's hard to solve a Redneck murder because all the DNA is the same and because there are no dental records.

(Thanks Bluegrass.)

  Only a ghost wallows around in his past, explaining himself with descriptors based on a Life already lived.  You are what you choose today, not what you've chosen before.

  What distinguishes what's alive from what's dead is growth, be it in plants or in you.

  It's never to late to have a happy childhood.