woody4591's Blog

I thought smoking was addictive. Yesterday I had a iced caramel macchiato at Starbucks. A half hour later I was looking at handbags at Lord & Taylor.

If you're ever on a bus or elevator with someone on their cell talking so loud that they may not need the phone for the person they are talking to to hear them, do what I did recently.  Take out your cell and say as loud as possible, " Yeah, I know it's highly contagious and I'm under quarantine, but I need to go to the store for milk!"  Then watch their faces. PRICELESS!

MEN! If you suffer from ED and find the need to use Cialis, could you please stay at home until it wears off or your needs are fulfilled. There is no need for you walking around looking like a hat rack.

I know everyone at a certain age wants to look a little younger than they really are but...can you at least be reasonable about it. No one is buying it that your 70 year old walker-pushing body has natural fire engine red hair. I'm not about to walk around with half my boxers hanging out trying to attract the opposite sex. Well, at least not on purpose!

I saw a mother yesterday so gorgeous, if she were MY mom, I'd STILL be living at home.

I just found out I'm half Latino and half African-American. In my town that means I can pretty much do anything I want.....as long as I don't mind being shot in the back afterward.

I'm more than a little tired of reading "new and improved" on everything I purchase. You would think after 40 years in business they might have the best product they could make. The ONLY thing NOT new and improved is Chef Boyardee and that's been disgusting since I was a kid.

It would have been nice if the banking industry had perfected the chip in the credit card crap BEFORE they started giving them out. Like I really need to be standing behind someone  for ten minutes while they spend an extra 20% on tic-tacs. Carry a couple of bucks on you, will you?

Why am I always stepping on someone's discarded gum. There are garbage cans about every 30 feet in my town. How can gum "accidentally" fall out of your mouth. "Hey honey! What happened to that gum I was chewing ten minutes ago?" I'd like to crazy glue their butt cheeks together.

My buddy says I'm too picky when it comes to women. I only have 4 requirements. I don't like women older than me, heavier than me, taller than me, or one's with more facial hair than me.

My ex wanted a "Teddy" from Victoria Secret for her birthday. After several exhausting hours on-line I ended up getting a "Polar" from Frederick's of Alaska.

My ex decided to take up ballet. They told her they couldn't fit her for a too-too. She may have better luck in a four by four.

I recall taking my then Mother-in law to Red Lobster one year for Mother's Day. She asked the waiter, "Do you serve crabs?" "We serve everybody!" he replied.

Amazon Prime delivered my ex-wife's Mother's Day gift today. I got her a toaster for the shower.

Webster's dictionary now defines virgin as AN UGLY SIXTH GRADER.