woody4591's Blog

I just found out my wife is suing NBC for plagiarism. In her suit she claims to have had an intimate association with THE BIGGEST LOSER long before the show hit the air.

I read somewhere that married men lose 25% of their hearing in their right ear after five years. Could this have something to do with the fact husbands do most of the driving?

What makes a person walk around Costco for an hour and than decide they don't want one of the items they've been carting around all that time and leave it under the check-out counter. Picture the seventy year old man gingerly walking to the car and turning to his wife. "I think maybe we should have gotten those adult diapers after all."

My wife could never understand why men cheat on the wives. I explained it by saying that as much as men enjoy prime rib, every once in a while all they want is White Castle.

"How come we hardly make love anymore? You used to love my hour glass figure!" she said. "Well, that was BEFORE all the sand went to the bottom" I replied.

My ex asked how she looked as she prepared for a date night. I told her her stockings were wrinkled. She said she wasn't wearing any.

I kinda knew it was over between us when we agreed to only smoke after making love. I hadn't a cigarette in a month and she was up to two packs a day.

I ran into my priest on the street the other day. I said "Father do you think it right for one man to profit from another mans mistake?"" No my son" he replied. "Than can I have the $200 back I gave you when you married us?"

During the last year of my marriage, my wife and I took a trip to Sears. While there my wife suggested that I tuck my shirt in because I looked like a slob. Fearing what would happen if I did not comply I did as instructed. As we left Sears we were stopped by security who insisted they saw me stick something down my pants. My wife was furious and said " I've known this man 20 years and I can assure you there is nothing down the front of his pants!" I used to think she was defending me but now I'm not so sure.

Ladies! Unless you can actually walk in them, most men are not attracted to someone who looks like they are walking barefoot over hot coals.

On behalf of real men everywhere I apologize to women who have been subjected to whistles, catcalls, and comments not worth repeating. The other day as a young woman exited a local salon, some knucklehead found the need to call out from the balcony across the street. Not only is it juvenile at best it will never work out the way you hope. I find it highly unlikely that a woman on her way to cash in a $500 dollar lottery ticket is going to stop and think to herself that guy just called out to me. I should stop whatever I was thinking about doing and go sleep with him.

I have a maintenance contract for a medical arts building. I  was called in one day because a dog had done its duty by the first floor elevator. Not only that but there was a trail of said duty from the second floor elevator to an office several hundred feet away. I entered the office and inquired as to why someone would bring their pet to the doctor with them and was told that the puppy was not yet fully trained and they didn't want to leave it home alone. You think!

I was behind a lady in express whose bill came to $3.78. She had the change of course. Like the two dimes and two pennies were going to make her tip over in the parking lot. And not only did she have the change that of course was in a separate hard to find little pouch in the bottom of her purse filled with enough things to go on a two week safari in Kenya but eighteen cents of that was in pennies.

Listen I understand the concept of the circular and why they place it at the entrance of the store. However, it's not the place for you to stop your cart blocking anyone else from coming in just to see if you can save five cents on grapes. If that were the case they would have lounge chairs and a expresso machine there to make it more enjoyable. Take your circular to the deli department where you'll have plenty of time to search the whole thing while the one-armed deli clerk opens up a new salami for one of the dozen or so people ahead of you.

It's bad enough that the supermarket puts their least experienced clerk at the express line. But if you getting lunch for all twelve of your co-workers could you not have all their orders rung up separately? You should have a calculator back at the office. The Express line is for the people behind you as well.