woody4591's Blog

My girlfriend just told me she has Leprosy. I hate to sound shallow, but I'm not sure I want to stick around when things start falling apart.

I asked a female friend online to describe how often her and her previous partner had sex. She said infrequently. I said, is that one word or two.

My ex is the only woman I ever met who could get a migraine at the sound of a zipper! Made it real tough in the winter.

I went into Staples where I was assisted by a clearly frustrated associate. After a few minutes, he apologized for his demeanor by saying,"i'm just tired. I've been here since 5 am IN THE MORNING"  Is there a 5 am in the afternoon I don't know about?

I went to use the restroom in a Medical Arts building only to find someone before me had had an"accident". I mean there was feces everywhere. The toilet, the walls, the floor, everywhere. Listen up! If you start crapping your pants, by all means go see a doctor. But once you start crapping up a whole room....the only doctor on your rolodex should be Kevorkian.

I'm working on a new deodorant. I going to call it VANISH. You spray it on, you disappear, and nobody knows where the odor is coming from.

I have never taken a leak in my entire life!  I HAVE however LEFT one here or there.

I know a woman on the other side of town that is so promiscuous that each one of her legs has it's own twitter account just so they can stay in touch.

 A few weeks ago, I proudly had a love making session that lasted one hour and nine minutes. My pride however took quite a hit the next morning when reminded that Daylight Saving Time began the night before.

Several years ago I went to Rockefeller Center with a female friend to look at the Christmas decorations. While getting ready to take pictures my friend asked me how she looked. Half kidding I told her if she wasn't married I would gladly give her the best two minutes of my life. From out of the crowd someone yelled, "I'll take those two minutes!"

I had a woman I met online walk out on me during our first face to face meeting. She said I misrepresented myself when I said I had recently been a runway model! You mean ushering in the new Danny DeVito fall collection doesn't count?

The worst thing about going on a blind date is making sure not to trip over the guide dog!

I went on e-harmony.com and filled out a dating form. It came back that my best match would be a forty year old blind quadriplegic with Parkinsons and a touch of turrets.

I have never had a dream that had me winning the lottery. I have however had multiple dreams where I didn't make it to the store in time to play and my numbers came in.  Not a good sign.

I had a co-worker who told me she was Italian. I said,"So I guess your name ends in a vowel!" she said no. Turns out her last name was Cuomo.