woody4591's Blog

I scratch my head each time I hear about some terrorist blowing themselves up to get 72 virgins in the after-life. When you consider how many Muslims there are, the after-life just may be the only way to find ONE.

I once went out with a girl who thought FELLATIO was a Greek philosopher.

I know a Greek girl whose tramp stamp reads THIS END UP!

I used to follow the horses. Problem was, my horses always seemed to follow other horses.

While on my way home on Feb 14th, carrying the obligatory dozen long stems, I stopped at 7-11 for smokes. The counter girl asked, "Where's my roses?" I replied, "I'll show you roses when you show me your two lips!"

I went for a physical the other day. I was told I had to give a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample. So I just left them my boxers

I went for a genital piercing recently but was turned away because they weren't licensed to do micro surgery.

I once was accused of assaulting a double amputee. The charges were dropped when they realized she didn't have a leg to stand on.

I was at a bar when I came across a woman in skinny jeans. I said, "Wow, those pants are tight! How do you get into them?" She said,"Buy me a few drinks and you'll see!"

I saw a "calorie unconscious" woman wearing Guess jeans at the mall. After sizing her up for a few moments I went up to her and asked, "I'm not sure, 260-275?"

I was asked to leave a recent family get together after referring to a family member as "retarded". I was pulled aside and told that the proper term is "intellectually challenged". I'm sick of all the PC bull. On the way out I let them know he was also "beauty impaired".

I've been going to the same place for coffee every day for years. A woman who has been working there about six months and I have kinda been flirting back and forth for a while so I finally decided to ask her out. She told me in no uncertain terms that she was out of my league. I felt the need to remind her that she is a recovering alcoholic working in a coffee shop. How much lower do I need to go?

"That's a nice jacket" I said as I brushed her sleeve. "Thank you, it's suede" she said. "Well now, it's FELT" I said.

Having trouble finding boxers that fit well. Nobody seems to make them in size 34 with a one inch inseam.

Another mom moment. "Stop running! If you fall and break a leg, don't come running to me!"