woody4591's Blog

Years ago in simpler times, a buddy and I were out having a couple beers. As we were leaving, we needed to pee but the bathroom was full so we decided to go outside behind the bar in a quite rural area. As luck would have it, as we were relieving ourselves, a local female sheriff pulled up. I was cited for indecent exposure but all my buddy got was a warning. When I inquired as to why my friend only got a warning she said because he was pretty decent!!

Just a joke friends!

Yesterday I was screamed at and nearly run over by a biker riding on the sideWALK!  He was screaming "move A*******E"! Remember when people used to have a little bell on their bikes? You heard the bell and you moved to the side. Simple.

While I DO wish all those having birthdays a good day and happiness in the coming year, I for one hate it when people come up to you and say, "It's my birthday next week." Almost as much as telling me a family member just died. 

Don't mean to be rude but if I cared when your birthday was, you wouldn't need to tell me, I'd remember. I might even have sent you a card. Trying to solicit a happy birthday response from a casual acquaintance is tacky.

Subway has been bragging for years how some of the sandwiches have 7 grams of fat or less. Have you been to Subway? If you ask me, there is less than 7 grams of anything on their sandwiches. Two weeks ago, I saw a horsefly at Subway. Today its the size of a mosquito!

Someone asked me recently, "where are you from, originally?" I replied, "my mother!"

I asked a friend if he could be any fictional character on TV who would he be? He replied," A Soprano!"... so I kicked him in the groin.

If Trump wins the election the presidential plane will be renamed "hair force one"

What do you call five gay men in a hot air balloon?

A fruit basket!

Yesterday, I saw what was at least a 400 lbs nun in full habit and the first thought out of my mouth was "holy cow"

I recently overheard two women talking about their recent dates. One lady who by the way looked just like Dustin Hoffman in the role of "tootsie" said, "It was alright. I mean I wouldn't reserve all my Friday nights for him though. When the check came, I went to the bathroom so he would know what was expected of him." 

Good thing it wasn't me she was out with. I would have put a condom on her plate while she was gone so she would know what was expected of HER!

My grandson asked me when it gets really hot out do I wear boxers or briefs? I said "DEPENDS"

My granddaughter is having trouble in school with vowels. I'm having problems with continence.

In my early twenties I used to fantasize about being with an older woman. Not so much anymore. My friend whose been married 17 years says he still has those fantasies. I told him wait another 15 years and you WILL be.

A marriage can only end one of two ways divorce or death. Nice choice! Why do most men die before their wives? Because they want to!

When I met my wife she was a virgin. She told me she was saving herself for marriage. What she didn't tell me was she was saving herself for her NEXT marriage.