woody4591's Blog

"Shut the screen! I don't want all those flies in here!" my mom would yell. "Well, tell me which ones you DON'T want, and I'll ask them to leave." I replied. Couldn't sit for a week after that one.

My mother used to always yell at me about leaving the front door open. "Close the door, do you live in a barn?"  It confused me cause she also said my room was a pig sty! Make up your mind!

My mother recently showed me a postcard I sent to her when I went to summer camp one year. It read... Dear mom and dad, The counselor said if I wet the bed again, they'll have to send me home. See you tomorrow.

There is a psychic in town with a sign in her window that says readings by appointment only. Should she not know when I'm coming in?

You know what they say. It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean. Of course, that is usually spoken by someone sporting a dingy.

Guys that go around bragging about the size of their package really piss me off. Stuff like, "I'm hung like a horse!" That's something I would never say unless we're talking about one on a merry-go-round.

I know a guy with eight kids who considers himself to be a good Catholic. Apparently that means only wearing a condom when engaging in sex OUTSIDE his marriage.

I think that it was the police who designed those pants the hoodlums wear that has most of their boxers showing.  Makes it a lot easier for their fat asses to chase them down. I'm thinking of carrying around a can a brown spray paint and highlight their butt crack with it.

My broker just called and told me I lost half the money in my retirement account. Apparently, he invested all my funds in a company that makes condoms exclusively for Latinos.

If Hillary becomes president will she sign an executive order banning all blue dresses in the workplace?

With all the warning labels out there, how come we don't have one where it might do the most good. Like on a ballot!

Here's a truthful bumper sticker I want to see. I'm a proud parent of a honor roll student, but my other four kids are idiots. Might give them something to work for.

It's simple to fondle a boob of a woman my age. Place your hand on her knee.....then turn it palm up.

With women my age, it's difficult to distinguish the freckles from the liver spots.

After five minutes of foreplay we both rolled over and went to sleep. The next morning she asked, "What's the matter, you couldn't think of anyone else either?"