woody4591's Blog

I hate guys that drive around with those little plates just above their license plate that read ex-chief of the who cares fire department. The only reason to have that displayed is to try to get out of a speeding ticket. No other profession has those little plates. You never see a little plate that reads ex-sanitation engineer. As long as we're going there, how about little plates that say ex-priest or ex-con. At least then the general public will have an idea who to watch out for.

I'm at that point in my life that when I wake up my hands are stiff, but other parts..... not so much!

My doctor told me if I ran two miles a day, it would add ten years to my life. After two weeks, I FELT ten years older.

Sixty pound overweight women who wear thongs and short skirts on windy days should be cited for indecent exposure.

If you have a question regarding an item you are purchasing at Walmart, could you please take it to the courtesy desk instead of the express line. By the time it takes the associate to get someone to go to the far reaches of the store, the fifteen people behind you just might have been on their way home.

I had a woman go off on me because I reached for the half n half at Starbucks before she did. She asked, "What ever happened to ladies first?" While her being a lady immediately came into question, I simply relied, "This is Starbucks, not the Titanic!"

While I'm on the subject, don't be standing by a door for five minutes with a scowl on your face waiting for a guy to open the door for you. It's a courtesy not a requirement!

I saw a woman today going into our local soup kitchen wearing Beat headphones and carrying what appeared to be a Coach handbag. Move over Madonna!

Costco is always giving away free samples while your shopping. Some people however think that taking your wife and six kids to try these samples constitutes a family outing. I'm sure you've seen them. Eight people walking around for an hour with one item in their cart. Then they stop that cart sideways in the middle of the isle running back and forth looking like hungry squirrels trying to save lunch money. Hey honey, did you try the buffalo turd on tortilla chip?

If you have more chins than a Beijing phone book, ordering a diet coke to go with your four slices of everything pizza may not make a difference.

I once had a mirror on the ceiling over my bed. I must admit it made me feel quite manly. That is until I saw the small print at the bottom that read...IMAGES ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR

I'm calling out today due to a case of anal cataracts.  I just cant see my ass working today!

My buddy says it's about time I get a new girlfriend. Come to think of it, he's right. The last woman I entered was the Statue of Liberty in 2012.

An old girlfriend who moved to Florida ten years ago called me out of the blue the other day. She's coming north for a wedding and would love to get together. She said she is having trouble finding a dress because she is in between sizes. I'm hoping the sizes she's between are not 18 and 24.

I haven't been with a woman in so long I recently joined a mixed softball league hoping to get to second base.

When my son recently started a new job I gave him this advice. Never refer to a hard working woman in the office as a busy beaver, and under no circumstance should you ask the girl in receiving if she has seen your package.